today was a really good day.
yay fat footlong blunts.

pizzle john

i was walking around Bellevue with Jackie yesterday and i had to go to the bathroom so we went up to Bayne park to use the port-a-john. we were standing there for like 10 minutes. i told Jackie to go knock on it and she does and then screams HELLO. they guy in there was Cleaver and he's wiggling his fingers saying he's trapped. We start screaming for help and no one is helping us. we see the undercover freshboy police car so we start chasing it waving our arms in the air like he's stranded. all of us are laughing. so finally Cleaver gets out and i go to piss and i ask Jackie to hold the door open for me and Figgy keeps flying it open and telling Jackie to shut the door. the door keeps shutting and i keep telling them to hold it open and Jackie is like yelling at Figgy and Figgy is just being stupid and asking when he can 'give me a show' so i finish pissing and leave.

i haven't been in my backyard for like a couple days until today and it makes everything feel so much better. i like that it's been raining a lot lately and the past two days have been really hot so the ground is drying up. it makes it feel all squishy and it feels completely amazing.

bottles up?

i'm really happy lately and it's because i have everything back and more. the constant days of being fucked up is back and this time i don't have a stupid boyfriend to worry about. i can do whatever, whenever and however.

i'm really happy that i'm almost learning to love myself but each step i take forward to loving myself i find a reason to not love me and take half a step back. i feel like i deserve a lot more respect than what i've been getting and i'm tired of getting mistreated and walked upon. i'm learning and hopefully i'll get there.

lately all my insecurities have been leaking out and i'm afraid it's goin to make me weak. but because i tried to show that i'm strong and someone noticed and said i try to be something i'm not i'm slipping away.

this all connects to everything. i'm not strong and i try to be so i don't get walked all over and mistreated but someone noticed and brought it all out it made me stop to love myself and now i can't own up to anything except being not being able to see straight and making a complete fool of myself.

a day like today

is a day where i can look like absolute shit and still look actually decent.
i'm happy it's raining today.
and my butt cheeks are cold from sitting in the rain.

every time i hear butthole or think about the word butthole i laugh.

"fantasy lies beyond the reaches of time."

yesterday i watched Chicken Little with my niece and talked about her trip to Disney. She told me that she liked the wish upon a star fireworks and they had shooting star fireworks that were fighting against each other. we watched Chicken Little together and there is a part in the movie where he is talking to a star because no one is believe that the sky is falling and i said "AWH! HE'S WISHING ON A STAR." because it's was just so cute. We watched it a little for another 30 minutes and then i had to leave. while were leaving there was a plane in the sky but you couldn't see it so it looking like it was scratching the sky and my sister said, "no Lena, that's an airplane." but she insisted that it was a shooting star and kept repeating "LOOK! A SHOOTING STAR! A SHOOTING STAAAAARR!". my sister was getting ready to say something about how it's an airplane so i hurried up and cut her off and told her to hurry up and make a wish and then she jumped and stuck her arms out completely straight and made a noise like PPSHHHH! my sister had caught on and we all started dancing and skipping and singing When You Wish A Star until we got to the car.

"it can't rain forever"

though i sure wish it could.

nights like these i have too much to think about when all alone because everyone else is out having fun and i'm stuck inside because i'm grounded or they're sleeping and it's only 1030pm.

i spend too much time in my backyard. i sneak out to get a couple of cigarettes so i can avoid puking and being sick and lay in the grass wearing absolutely nothing hoping either one of you would come up and put your dick inside me so i can feel all that pain that either of you put me through so i can at least feel something and i don't deserve anything good. i play asshole by myself and lay on my back and spit straight up in the air because that's what i deserve, a face full on unwiped spit and laying where all the dog shit from two dogs used to be and to be an asshole because that's all i can amount to with myself.

the only good thing that really is to all that is sometimes fireflies come up and light up above me and sometimes land on me, the peace and quiet with the quiet breeze of the wind and the other bugs cricking, and when the sky is lit up a smokey gray and you can see the little and big dipper, and when it's lightly drizzling out. it all feels so good on my body and i hurry up and finish that cigarette and spitting on my face and being naked because i don't deserve to feel that good.

i'm not completely over my past and i still can't leave it there. i don't want to talk about it that much because they're only stupid stories full of pain, guilt, sorrow and heartbreak. it's only a story but it's my story, all fucking mine, and i won't ever let it go and when i tell everyone they'll tell me:
a. "you have to be careful. if that happens to you again call me and i'll come beat that mother fuckers ass."
b. "nothing is ever free."
or
c. "you deserve so much better and you need to be treated right. you're such an amazing girl full of wonder, adventure and bubble."

well really thanks for listening!
you wouldn't do shit even if i called you up and told you it happened again because of my carelessness though i try to protect myself from my mistakes for it all to happen again. some things are free, like lap dances, because it's nothing but cheap love though it has the word cheap in it so i guess it's not free except you don't need to throw dollar bills on it. if you truly looked into me which i don't let most people do you'd see nothing. i'm not amazing, bubbly or wonderful. i'm broke of excitement but you'll never see it because i tell you dumb stories so you can see something but not the full effect of the asshole piece of crusted dog shit with ash and spit all fucking over my white bra.

i'm tired of hearing the same shit from myself and everyone else. i want something new and improved than who i'll become or am but i'm just a tad unsure but almost convinced.

i'd rather run away than stay and see

i really wish you all were strangers to me.
it'd make everything so much easier on me.

i'm very vulnerable right now though no other is make me this except me and it'd help if you came and tore me apart and buried me.

turn and run though all i need to know is the truth

i've been puking all day and i'm pretty sure it's because i haven't had a cigarette all day. my head has been pounding and i've been hot and sweaty all day too. gosh, i need nicotine to cure me, i swear.

lately, i've been attracted to everyone. i want to love everyone and i'd want the same love back. i want to quit going over the same speed bump and start flying down the high way. i want my hair flying in the wind and smacking against my face and my hair sticking to my lip gloss. i want change for once. i'm tired of living the same thing i have been for the past almost 3 months because i simply know it's all over.

i'm changing myself because i feel like it's time to change. i've looked the same for the past 7 months and it all has your DNA on it. i need to cut down and live something new though i'm really scared of the outcome and the thought of changing almost brings me to tears but i really need to do it.

coz eetsa pawtay.

yesterday i was trying to learn how to queef on command and i peed myself.

i talked to someone on the phone for around an hour and i told them stuff that i don't normally tell anyone because i'm afraid of opinions and criticism and they actually listened and understood me.

my dad spit on my face because someone called me on i was outside smoking and he wouldn't let me on the phone until i put the cigarette out and threw it in the yard. so once i did that he gave the phone to me and i ran down searching the snake grass for the cigarette and he was on the upper deck spitting and it when all in my hair and my face.

three of my friends came down and we sang songs on the neighborhood kids echo microphone.

i'm almost beating sims urbz and i've been playing it since i was in 6th grade. i never beat any video game, ever.

i can't wear underwear for a couple days because i have a sore in the middle of my ass cheeks and it hurts really bad.

i'm finally ungrounded tomorrow!

the fireflies are mating in my backyard
and it's the prettiest thing i've ever seen.

i'm really glad that you are getting sick of me now. then once i move out you don't have to bother with me anymore. so, keep getting sick of my shit since you claim i'm 'miss big shot' now. i'm no big shot, i'm merely i shed of life, really. i'm dull and dumb. i have no character to me whatsoever.

but it's alright, i'm not going to be controlled by anyone, only by myself, because i learned that i'm the only one who can control me.

i'm not putting out my cigarette and i'm dropping out. now tell me, you full of me now?
because i'd like to be out of your life forever.

service with a smile

on days like these i really wish i was completely alone.
there has to be something the matter with me, i swear.
lately i've been spending most of my time outside and i can't sit on my special rock because there are bees all around the fish pond.
today i sat in the grass for the first time in my whole life because i haven't had a dog in 3 years so there isn't dog shit everywhere now.
it made me love my backyard a whole lot.
the neighborhood kids were all in the yard next to be playing on the cheap swing set from K Mart and i was hiding so they wouldn't see me smoke cigarettes and when i was finish i peaked out and all i saw was one swing swinging with no one on it.

i liked that even more than my backyard because they just disappeared. i want to disappear and be left without a trace. i want to be forgotten and wiped off the face of this earth and be in the stars looking down on everyone. i want to head to a new world and learn everything completely new and regain all my innocence and be naive and grow into a person that can handle society because right now, i'm not that person. being able to disappear will be the greatest thing for me yet if only i could make a plan of how to actually disappear.

i also wonder what it's like to be an ant and how long ants actually live for and what they think of before they are squashed and how they work and how they can carry another ant and how the communicate with each other. and i want to know why whenever there is a melted Popsicle on the ground, why are there a bunch of dead ants around it? i want to become an ant.

"is that a taco?"

i miss you a whole lot.
i held down to you.
i'm weak when it comes to you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i'll love you until you go away.

i can't really name a few good things about you except one. you meant so much to me and i can't erase it no matter how much i want, and i'm really good with erasing moments of my life. when i think of you i almost want to cry. i hate you so much but then again, i can't ever hate you so much. you never did anything to me except a couple things, but they're all really funny. you can't really understand me but whenever i tell you i haven't eaten at all that day you get this look in your face like, "Brooke, please eat. why haven't you eaten? i'm almost concerned."

i tried to get you to quit talking to me but i just can't. you don't get mad or upset with anything. i lied and you only said maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we shouldn't do that. i was just trying to get you to go away because i needed you away though i like being with you and i wish it was more constant like how it used to be. i miss going to that cul-de-sac and laying in the field and going under the bridge and your stupid cats. i miss my little section that let everyone know that i was yours.

i told you that i was saving myself until i found someone again but that didn't last too long, i guess. you took me to the cul-de-sac and we just hung out. i forgot the feeling because i didn't do it in so long and then you gave the option of that. i wanted to save myself, i really wanted to, but i missed you too much and i was enjoying your company that day. so we did our little thing and every time we do that i still feel everything. i don't feel it with anyone else but you. i think this is because you were so special to me, though no one saw why. i saw why but i never gave you the credit that i should. i wasn't that good to you though i was the best thing for you.

feeling everything was so great though there isn't much there now. it's all past emotions that won't get out of my heart or my head. but all those feelings felt so good and real again until it was over. i forgot what it was like because i haven't done it in so long and let's just say, i threw out my vibrators because of it.

curiosity killed the cat, HA HAHAHA

i'm breaking apart bit by bit.
i can't tolerate that damn fucking school
i'm leaving it no matter what
so let me go to a different school or i'm dropping out
either way i'll be almost happy.

you say once i drop out i have to move out, well that's fine. once i move out i'm never talking to you ever again. so i hope you're happy with that also. if you weren't around i'd be going to a different school, maybe heading to a road with a high school diploma and some years in college but that's not the case.
YOU made me go to this fucking school.
YOU are keeping me from my happiness.
YOU hold me back.
YOU are selfish.
YOU make me hold your embarrassment.

call stupid Aneeda, i do not care about her one bit. every word she says i don't give a damn about. all her words mean NOTHING to me. you're just trying to start trouble.

i can't even finish any damn thoughts i have. i hate everything about myself.

fuck you and your shit.

I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE, OKAY?

get off my case with everything.
i want to be left alone.

i just want every broken thing that has ever been in my life not fixed because i know it will never become fixed so i'm not trying. I'm afraid that Henry Cruz is going to come get me everywhere and it's sad that you wouldn't listen to me when i told you about him, instead you decided that i stupid little 3 day vacation is more important than my safety and i know you'll let this backfire on me and i'm willing to take this because our relationship has backfired on me multiple times.

i'm not taking anyone's bull crap anymore. if you bother me, i'll tell you. i'm not going to sit there and listen and hold everything back. because when i hold things back i forget what to say when the right time comes. i'll give attitude and a smartmouth and i don't care what you think about it.

i'm done with believing and wasting my time.
i'm done with trying.
i'm done with working.
i'm done with you.
butt out.

shit tits

it makes me really happy when people put forth effort back to being my friend back.
my day just got a little happier though i've been sobbing my eyes out all day because i hate this stupid fucking school.

i was perfectly happy until i got into the cafeteria. being in this school just ruins my day and my key to happiness is out of these gray walls and business professional attire. i need an actual high school where i can where regular clothes and share lockers and do actual work without typing on stupid fucking laptop and having fucking more opportunities.



it makes me really sick sitting across the table from you and your hair looks like a crackhead's.
though i really would like being your friend but you never allow it.
it's alright, it's nothing to gain or lose.

poop

i'm really starting to enjoy life again.
all i needed was a few days off of school to regain my sanity.

i like living a whole lot and i like everything that is going on right now. i like noticing small things and i like when they make a big deal to me. i like telling my friends that can kind of understand me about them and they have input on it also. i like memorizing things rather than writing them on this but it's the only way i'll remember when i look back.

i hope i can stay like this but everything changes.

all you have to do is shout it out.

i don't need you.
i don't need you.
i don't need you.
I DON'T NEED YOU.
I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU.
OR YOU.
OR YOU.
OR ANYONE.

i almost cried because i thought losing you was a big problem but i tilted my head back and let the tears roll back into my eyes because i realized that you aren't that big of a deal that i thought you were.

i lost you before. i couldn't see you for a year. you left me in this house alone. you grew up. you don't care anymore and it's okay for you to vent to me but i can never do the same. so fuck you.

i still like you, you're my sister, i'll always like you but i don't need you because you're not that great to me anymore and i don't love you because hurt me.

i am a stranger.

there is nothing i can really do today or any other day.
i just want to sleep and run and listen to music.
i haven't taken a shower in 4 days and i could keep adding onto that time.
i can find the strength to give a fuck.
and i seriously have no one now.
no one gives a fuck.
and what did give me strength and i thought i could go to told me she's sick of hearing it and that she has her own problems.
that's just want i needed to hear too.
so i can keep sinking down and down
and so i can build enough power to exit out.
all i have is friends that i can never depend on and that i feel uncomfortable with.
so they're like nobody to me.
i'm just going to delete everything until i have no one but myself.
it'd be better like that.
and if someone wants to come along and hear my stories, more power to them.
we'll share our stories and never see each other ever again.

LOOK UP THERE! A DEAD BIRD!

i just want to slip back and enjoy the shade so the light won't keep me here.
just slip back into where no light can go and drift away to an end.
i don't know what will happen if i ever would or what the outcome would be.
i'm even too chicken to make my own outcome for myself.
simply because, i'm afraid of any outcome that i can think of so i stay here.

i just want to journey somewhere and anywhere where i can be acknowledged instead of ignored
but i would be able retain enough for myself to live. i want to swim with the fish in the ocean only because i don't have enough of myself to fly with the birds.

you won't understand so i don't know why i waste my time telling you this all because you'll just get even more on you.

i'm never really cry for myself, it's usually for other people. but today i cried for myself and it's making me feel so terrible because i don't care for myself. i'm not even going to survive out of high school. i want things easy for me and i want my freedom. i want everyone to get along and i want to find the right balance for myself. i want to run away and create my own map just in case i ever forget how to get back there. i want to be left alone and have no rules.

i'm tired of being at the bottom of the dog pile with all this weight on me. i barely have a backbone for myself but i don't deserve to stand.
i'll always be that lost child.
i'll always be not good enough.
i'll always be that ugly girl with the skinny nose and different sized eyes and the messed up teeth.
i'll always be that girl that can't be who she wants because she doesn't listen.
i'll always be that girl that thinks her friends hate her.

i just want to crumble everything i ever had into a tight ball and throw it off with face of the earth.
i want to start over.
i want to be right.

richard just said an asshole is like a sock.
could you imagine asshole fabric socks?

i really can't stop thinking about everything that happened yesterday and when Brandy read me my horoscope. i'm just really confused with everything. and whatever decision i make will upset someone. i just don't know.
at all.

eatable society

i drew mr kohen a picture while i was high and stapled it by the warm ups.
it's actually alright considering i suck at anything artistic.
my body has different temperatures all over
and i had absolutely no time to get ready today because i caught the late class.
it took me seriously 3 minutes to brush my teeth and put clothes on [i'm still wearing my jammies]
i think it's weird when little kids say jammies for pajamas and peepee for a penis or vagina.
why can't they just say it? it's not going to harm anyone, it's a body part.
can't a damn kid know his damn body parts?

yesterday Arley, Anna, Alyssa and I smoked on Arley's front steps and we watched a drug deal and it was really intense. A cat ran away from it's owners and they were chasing they cat around. i had a huge spit puddle. part of the sky lit up a indigo and shaded down to a light purple. it was really nice. and i could see every ray of sunlight. and Arley's shoes squeak a lot. and we all just laugh a lot and tell stories. it was awesome.

my heart is pounding out my chest
like if a kangaroo is beating the fuck out of my heart.

capture; happiness.
capture; imagination.

i'm sitting on a cloud stool all alone with stuffed bears surrounding me as my company. we're having a tea party. i have my cute pink doll dress on and the tea party is just about to start as soon as Corduroy the bear with a missing button on his jumpers is a tad late and is bringing the jam for our biscuits and crackers. while we are waiting Graham is multiplying himself into tiny honey glazed bears and Mama Bear is yelling at us while blowing her porridge. I get up and went through the candy cane gates and i hop into my bubble and float over the city of Toffee to find Corduroy. I spot him catching a airhead airplane over to the field we are having our tea party in. I start bouncing in my bubble to get up to the Orbitz to see Corduroy. He gets on the marshmallow fluff and sticks in on to of the airhead airplane and i stick my bubble on top. we go over the Carmel apple forest and we see the monkeys out their barrel just hangin' around. we go over the peach ring river and everyone is out just floating around on giant peach rings. we stop over to the Jujubee's Jam and we run into Charlie and he says to me 'Good morning starshine, the earth says hello.' then walks on past. I stood outside watching the cotton candy clouds go on by and the lemony sun keep getting brighter. Corduroy gets the jam and we get on the airhead airplane and go through the candy cane gate and into the field. we got out and skipped through the field with the animal crackers. we had the tea party and we ate tons of chocolate and biscuits and cookies and cupcakes and everything sugary and nice and cute. we all played games and complimented each other and said nice things about everyone and how happy we were that everyone is with us. the sun was setting so we finished the tea party and layed in the field near the edge of the earth and watch the milky way and star burst. we closed our eyes and slipped into our happy place but when i opened mine, i was in a classroom listening to the teacher talk about malcolm x and a hard plastic chair and doing everything pointless. i am now completely sober.

drink bleach

i really don't deserve to date any guys.
i don't want you to think that this is your fault at all.
because it's not.
it has 'Brooke' written all over it.

my heart is holding on but my mind is letting go

you really can't compare to anyone else. even though a lot of people are a million times better than you. i miss everything about you. i miss the beginning of it all. you're so different than everyone else out there and i just can't seem to let go. i want to be friends, not lovers. lovers causes too much pain and numbness which is unhealthy for a girl like me. i hate walking past you and just ignoring you but i'm too scared to actually say a simple hi, let along a full conversation. i'm really happy for the both of us and how everything has worked out though i still wish we were friends and you won't allow it. i'd really like being friends with you, our friendship was better than anything we ever had.

i miss all the memories we had. they're fading away and i'm slowly deleting everything that has ever existed between us because i'm good at deleting my past. i held on to you for too long and now i can't hold onto anyone at all, because of you.

i was comparing you to someone today and it was weird. you're not in my life and the other person is and i started to cry because i miss you so much and how you are so different to him. it made me really sad and now i'm starting to push that person away which is terribly. i can feel in my heart that he's still with me though my mind wants him gone but i'm not allowing myself to lose anyone else because it's not necessary for myself to be doing this.

i really want you to come out and see me one day, we need to catch up and create some more memories, before we forget each other.

baaarrrffff!

today is science class mr.moreland was explaining deltas to the class. he said that the mississppi delta barfs everything out into the gulf of mexico. after he said barf nearly half the class started making barf noises, i didn't but i was laughing and i usually gag when i hear those noises.

i actually like mr. moreland and i'm happy he's having a baby boy that's due labor day. everyone is having babies. it's the new fashion i guess. especially for the teen girls in Bellevue and Avalon. let's hope i don't follow under that.

i really want to keep keep track of all these moments now. so i can know what made life so good incase i ever forget who i am and why life was so good. i have a lot of memories which means a lot of stories, just so i can relive the past and remember and smile and laugh and cry and laugh and smile some more.

i need marijuana

sooo soooo sooooo bad.

marijuana upgrades me.
this morning i woke up still high (:
it was awesome.

i don't give a fuck

i really love when i'm smarter than teachers and when teachers actually admit i'm right rather than arguing with me about how their wrong answer is right, it saves me some words that i would love to flip on.


i really wish i was going to warped tour. and i'm believing in wishes again. i thought i would never wish again because i thought wishes didn't come true because i couldn't see Arley on sunday and plus i was really super blown so it just had me thinking and really sad almost but i couldn't be sad about it no matter how hard i tried. i could say i was but i couldn't feel sad about it until i was sober the next morning.

last night was unimaginable and really cute and i'm really happy about things are turning out. don't get smoke so much you forget about me. don't get so drunk you forget about me.
just.
don't.
forget.
about.
me.
the night you took a vike and you passed out made me really upset but i was glad that you woke up at 3am and realized that you missed out on me. i was looking forward for that day. but that night came last night :D<3
i really can't stop thinking about a bunch of memories and i wish i had time to tell them all.
i liked when you kept kissing my cheek and when i blushed and turned my cheek you started kissing the other one, it made me really happy. and i like how sweet you are. and i liked when the kitten was laying inbetween us on my porch and you called the kitten a cute fucker. it was really adorable. i'm really happy about us, i couldn't be happier to be honest. but i'm also worried that i'll push you away. but i really really REALLY don't want to.

i think it's funny about when i put :D<3
it's like it's eating love.

i want graham crackers and milk. i had them last night as if it were cereal.

andddddd, i'm giving up on school.
i'm not going to graduate.
i hate City High.
fuck you.

i never get selected for anything. i'm just thrown on the side and left there. no one cares about me, i guess. i get put on a side of the class with all the bad kids because i guess i'm classified as a 'bad kid'.

this blog really had no point (:

blahewjpir48-uksdf;

today, everybody looks so nice.
i made a couple of friends this morning while smoking a blunt.
it made me very happy.
i feel pretty strange today.
and i'm failing workforce but i don't care.
everything is going so great for me.
i'm making a few changes, i need it.
i also am considering being in the porn industry
it'd be easy for me.
i'm not going to graduate high school.
i can almost feel that i'm not.
i always give up and push away.
i don't like difficultness
i can't manage.
i just like trips to the bakery, sugar lumps, chocolate, dandelions, cream-colored puppies, kittens cuddling, sweaters fresh out the dryer, freeze pops on a hot day, looking nice, scrabble, the smell of rain, sunshine so bright you squint your nose, helping others, making differences, michael jacksons songs, trivia, peanut butter and jelly, when my mom makes me food, feeling of hunger, seeing the city lights from my house, smiles, numbness, thoughts, life.

"you don't even know what you want., Brooke."

somedays i like actually thinking that people actually like me. i know they don't and i only fool myself when i say i don't care because i do. i'm actually a lot better than what i give myself but i refuse to give myself that credit and i refuse to let myself claim it. i never try hard enough because i don't know how. i don't like doing work so how can i expect anything good in life. i'm always pushing people out of my life one relationship after another so how can i expect someone to be there forever. i'm very naive and just plain stupid and i get fucked over on the daily and i still trust everyone. i feel stupid every single day and i look pretty stupid too. all i want is peace with everyone and myself. i want to feel good everyday. i want to be happy learning about stupid shit, i want to feel good in this stupid fucking dress, i want honesty, loyalty, nothing little kiddish. i want to keep everyone i have and add more. i want to soon be able to want to stop drinking and smoking but i don't want it just now. actually, i don't really know what i really want, fuck this, you're right.

one time, when i was high...

I’m not going to finish typing until I’m completely sober. I think it will pretty entertaining for a while. I hope I can achieve it, it’s a goal of mine.
I have you ever forgot why you loved something but you say you love it anyhow? Or like how you care about something but you don't really have a reason to care about it or anything. Shit is so weird I swear. I’m just hanging out in my room, skeed as fuck. But I’m barely skeed now, I’m just high. I’m not really feeling drunk anymore.
I have two people in my room, Jackie and Felicia, and it’s 2:54am on June 28, 2009. I’m just hanging out though. We’re all doing different stuff. I’m writing down EVERY SINGLe thing that pops into my head. Jackie is playing viva piñata and we were talking about how guys play video games and they won’t even talk at all. They just sit there in dead silence for hours on end playing something like, gears of war or like call of duty, with three other boys and they don’t speak one fucking word. That would be so damn boring. Felicia, is listening to the music.
I feel like I’m going to puke and as if my fingers keep moving and moving. Boy, it’s tickling my muscles.
They’re just moving and moving. And the sound of feet collecting static is pretty nice for my ears. And seeing my room like completely clean for once is a pretty good feeling for sight.
I’m happy. Everything is so…enhanced. Everything I’m believed is coming real. I’m traveling through different parallels. Right now I’m just chilling but it’ll change real soon I can feel it switching over. We’re all just having a typical slumber party right now but I can see myself through the tunnel of my eye sight and I’m just laying there sleeping like sleeping beauty. I can see myself surrounded with nature but I keep switching back to reality. I guess you can tell reality with I guess fantasy, but I’d say it’s imagination.
Imagination is so powerful, probably even more power than the real. Imagination is good or bad. Nice or terrifying. Sweet or salty. It’s however you think it is and you can always change it later on at any time of day anywhere. But in reality everything is just real. It’s happening and you can’t change it. Once time consumed it, it can’t spit it up. It’s all in the past and once it’s done the memory is up. Then it’s over. And every lives up to all the memories because once they let go, where will you go? You just hold anything you can so you have something to support you.
My heart is hurting kind of. I keep thinking I swallowed the back on my lip piercing and that’s why my heart hurts. Because what if I just die? Right here, with my friends here, what will the even do. I’d probably sit there laughing my ass off like ‘uh, what the fuck?’ not realizing what is going on. Anyways, I think the plastic part went into my heart. And now a chamber in my heart with collapse. And I’ll die kind of Michael Jackson.
It’s a shame that he died too. I miss him and I’m realizing what a fucking legend he is. His music was completely fucking amazing, I swear. It’s 3:20am but anyways I can’t believe he diad. But if I died I’d be able to see him and talk to Michael. That’s what I’m going to do when I’m dead.
I wonder what being dead feels like. I wish we had people to tell us what is going to happen but they’re all dead so you can’t ask a dead person fucking shit.
I’m tired as fuck and I wish I could write more than what I am. All I want to do is finish drinking my bomb ass chocolate fucking milk and then curl up with this zebra blanket and enjoy the world spinning away.

When I close my eyes and imagine the America flag I can feel the glitter I my eyes.
Fuck all of this, fuck you.

i have nothing good to say.

i have a good feeling about you.

:)

i had a dream that Ted was running around in Zach's house and then crawled underneath a couch cushion.
i woke up laughing.

dfhwsr6ihb

today on the bus some guy asked if he could sit next to me.
i told he yeah
and then he asked if i was sure.
i don't understand why he had to ask
i mean, seats are basically up for anyone to sit in
though sitting wherever kind of is like how you judge a person.

40s under the stars

i really can't believe this happened.
i really can't believe you did this.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
you're a mess.
i cannot fucking believe it.

how?
why?
right there?
where are my underwear?

i'll tell the rest later.

it's over

i couldn't be happier.
just wait sweetheart,
you'll be surprised.
<3

pictures from memory

last night you told me something on the phone that was really smart.
i can't really remember what it was though,
something about how our lives are based off memory?
i liked it a lot, that you thought like me.
we thought it was really weird,
that
we're
so
similar.

i really can't wait to see you.
don't forget.
about me.

this is for you

i don't like you.
you make yourself look like dumbass.
you don't understand,
AT ALL.
you say the same things all the time
and you can't hold intellectual conversation.
you're not smart enough for me, you're not fun enough for me.
i need excitement, i need brains, i need different.
you don't belong, clearly.

leave me alone.

read these and try to discuss them.
YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND
you, just, don't.
and you won't.
and you'll start a conversation about it and not no what it's about.
my mind is just not meant for you so,
butt out.

elements of nothingness

i'd rather spend most days alone.
i wish i couldn't talk.
or people had a reason to leave me alone.

i wish i stayed inside and did what i liked and finding out who i am while i'm isolated from everyone else.

like those people when you go out to eat for breakfast and you feel so bad because they're eating only, i want that to be me. i want to sit there reading a stupid newspaper, drinking my stupid coffee waiting my stupid french toast, being alone.
i'll take walks alone and find new routes and take different routes and ignore everyone, if someone says a stupid hi i'll just walk on past as if i never knew them. then, they'll get all offended and start to not like me for not saying a stupid hello to them back which isn't really a reason to hate someone or not like them but people can't get along.

i just want to be left alone. i want to break down into nothing almost and become:
earth and wind.

"i don't give a two stars." - tommy

nobody ever knows the time. clocks slip back, watches run out of batteries, the world gained an extra second on new years, the world is slowing down, cell phones sometimes have different times, computers have different times, i don't know the time, no one knows the time.
it's so nice never knowing what time it is, it's like your living in forever. forever confuses me because
a second ago is gone forever, yesterday is gone forever, a year ago is gone forever.
in love, stargirl by jerry spinelli there is this quote:
“You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today that you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday.”
if you ignore today and try to live in yesterday then your wasting time that could make it worth forever?

so if you waste today, are you living in forever?
i'm confused.

oh,

i have a lot of drafts on my blog
only because i don't like to finish a lot of things.
i hate ending things, but i do it a lot.
but there isn't an absolute end here, you can go back and revise and delete and change.
but it just doesn't feel the same even while knowing that.

alright, i get it

i'm not perfect
and i'm not over everything.
i try to forget but it's always a permanent mark left on me.

i have too many scars to show.
i have too many scars to hide.
i have too many scars that are not visible.

i can't change no matter how hard i try.
trying gets me no where, so i give up.

i want simple.
i want easy.

yeah, i know i can't have that
because life isn't supposed to be easy.
change means working hard and i'm afraid of any outcome.
working is so hard unless you have a motive.

i don't see why i should make myself a motive,
i'm really not all that important.
i'm just not important.

i care about all the non important things, like orange, cherry and grape soda. i like facts that no one gives two shits about. i like museums,only because they stay the same. i like how people have two sides to them. i like spending most of my days alone. i like reading books though i never really have time. i like sleeping and taking nyquil even if i'm not sick. i like staying up all night. i like finding pictures on the internet that make it laugh so hard. i like talking about my childhood to a point. i like consistency and how i do the same routine everyday. i like cigarettes and pot and alcohol and dreams and beliefs and hopes and leaps.

i'm non important and i feel like i should be important, who cares though? i'm just a stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who doesn't know shit and self-medicates herself to hide from everyone else. who cares too much what she looks on the outside oppose than the inside only to make others happy. who only cares about being tan, skinny and free. but i'll never be any of those. i'll just be the stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who feels that someone should maybe care and who wants to be free but would rather hide and who won't be good enough, ever.

i told my mom my head hurt today and she brought me a glass of orange juice and two ibeprofins. she actually did something for me. she might care, finally. i'm a fool and trick myself, i recognize it.

f u

i hate that you call me names.
I'm Brooke.
you can be yourself around me.
you need to be yourself around me.
because i like the before better than the after.
quit the small talk, give me the real deal.

lose it

i can feel it in my fingers.
i want to touch it, i want to feel it, i want to see it.
you won't understand, you'll assume.
you'll ask, and i'll say nothing.
you'll drop it. i'll feel better.
both of us aren't stupid.
we know what's going on.
i like it.
it's never felt so good,
to have no control.

deliver me from evil

please, don't allow me temptation.

acid

i wish you'd go away so i could go puke.
puke. abort.
puke. abort.
puke. abort.
happiness.

ftw

you're not getting under my skin.
please, try to take more away from me.
you've already taken almost everything,
AND I'M STILL STANDING.
for now.
all you have left is to take my soul,
and you would because you're the fucking devil.

but i'm winning right now.
but you'll catch up sooner or later.
we'll never call it quits.
i need to get pay back on what you did to me.
i need to get over it.
you need to get over it.
we need help.

ashes

i was standing against the bus stop smoking a cigarette.
i flicked the ashes and they all started floating around.
it was so pretty amazing.
i couldn't stop watching it.
it reminded me of cinderella, like when she's scrubbing the floor and all the suds and bubbles were floating around, only with ashes.
how enchanting, right?
while i was watching the ashes float all around a little boy was running through the parking lot, no supervision, to get inside McDonalds.
he was so happy to go into McDonalds, he had a moment of freedom, running across the parking lot while his mother is still getting out of the car, he leaped out and booked it.
i usually think it's funny when parents grab onto there children for running ahead.
but now i feel sorry for the children that can't run and be free for a moment.

why aren't we doing anything?

i've been thinking way too much today.

i'm feeling very sorry for those less fortunate than me.
animals, plants, people, anything.

why are we wasting time on stupid things when we could be finding cures for cancers?
why do we know that we're killing trees but still insist on cutting more trees down, leaving animals without habitats, shelters and families?
why are there people drinking dirty water while i'm drinking purified water?

who cares about devices that can improve orgasms?
focus on something more life impacting
you know, that can actually save someone.
not for someone's own selfish pleasure.

little kids from feed the children, you need some food and you can't get it.
you get poor meals and i'm over hear eating easy mac getting all fat.
if i could, i'd suck some of my fat out and give it to you so you can actually weigh something.
wait, better yet, i'd make you some easy mac.
you'd love it, i swear.

where are there animals being tortured?
what is wrong with you humans?
have you lost all control of yourself?
you should treat everything how you want to be treated.
animals have feelings too.

why are women still looked down upon?
why can't we be treated equally?
would you liked to be look down on by others?
i don't think so.

why are there undeveloped communities?
why are little children doing hard work in no shoes?
why don't they have what i have?
they deserve it, too.

why is there not enough or nothing being done?
why do we know what's going on but doing nothing?
don't you feel bad for them?
don't you want to help them?

the sun isn't shining and that's alright.

days like today give me a lot of time to think.
it's raining so i have an excuse to be left alone.
i'm relaxed, i'm thinking, i'm chill.
i like hearing the rain,
and hearing the thunder,
and counting the elephants until it thunders again,
1 elephant, 2 elephant, 3 elephant, 4 elephant, 5 elephant, 6 elephant, 7 elephant, 8 elephant.
and watching the lightning light up the gray-lit sky,
and watching the lighting in this room flicker.
it's so nice.

i'm nice and cozy with a warm hoodie curled up, comfortable.
i'm eating comfort foods like vanilla caramel ice cream, smores pop tarts, this strawberry jello pretzel salad, sunny d, chocolate, granola, yogurt, applesauce.
i've never realized how good sweet food is.
and how happy it makes me feel.

if i had a choice,
i'd only allow sweet foods
because they make you feel so good.
and everyone deserves to feel good.
it'd make everyone so much better.
and maybe we'd see the good in eachother rather than the bad.
and maybe we'd enjoy eachother a little bit better.
and maybe we'd make more friends and see what people have to offer.

there is good in everyone.
i know it.
even if you're the most sarcastic, hard-shelled, ignorant bastard out there,
i know you have good in you.
I KNOW IT.

people,
go out and enjoy yourself.
enjoy days like these,
enjoy everyday.

curl up in warm clothes,
read books,
paint your nails,
eat sweets,
listen to bob marley,
watch a storm,
take a nap,
watch movies,
phone up an old friend,
laugh,
smile,
enjoy your time here.

enjoy life, you deserved it.

41 mins 8%

i don't care about school work.
i don't care about you.
congratulations that you are happy.
i'm not.
i'm thinking about what actions i should make right now.
jump out the window?
possibly if i had something to break this stupid fucking city high fucking windows.
i'm angry and i wish i could cry.
but i'm not allowing myself to
and i don't know why.

i wonder what you will do when i'm gone.
if you will do anything.
how you will feel.
if you will feel anything.
how you will remember me.
if i will be remembered.
how things will be changed.
if they will even change.

i'll probably be laughing,
in humor and happiness,
remembering the hold you had one me.
i'll be free finally.

i need this to all go away.

35 mins 5%

it'll soon go away.
you started this, it will soon die.
whether it's me,
or this.

28 mins 4%

i'm not listening.
i'm annoyed.

i need to be numb.
i need to fly.
i need a rush.
i need warmth.

i'm a winner.
i'm gone.

i'll be dead sooner or later.
we all die,
everything dies.



we can't be forever, sorry
6 mins 1%

compulsion

it's fucking back.
i don't know where it came from
but it's ALL back.
i wanted it back, i know i did.
that's why these all came back to me.
they're my friends, they make me feel good.
it's my opinions,
and yours.

i,
can't,
stop.

nothing helps,
only to hide.
DO.NOT.SAVE.ME

darling.

she's pushing away
and all i can do is laugh.
this isn't like her.

she wants to skip in fields with no one to bother
except people that want the same as her.
not this hold on her.

i'd tell her to go be free.
she wants to be free.
she needs to be free.

but she won't let it.
she can't do it.
she should do it.

i'm laughing at her in my head.
i don't know how to help her
but she won't help herself.

she's shutting down,
she's breaking away.
she's keeping herself safe.

she won't be made a fool.
she'll make you the fool.
she's in control.

mommy dearest

i fucking hate the living piss out of you.
congratulations on losing both your kids now.
have a nice life bitch.
but really, don't have a nice life
you dumb bitch, i fucking hate you.

fluttery

i've been feeling like this for the past week and it makes me sick, but i can't help but smile.

i smile over everything.

i smile when i remember.
i smile when i imagine.

i smile because of you.

i'm so happy with everything.

i've never felt so good about myself.
i've never felt so bad about myself.

i'm nervous.
i'm jealous.

i'm proud.
i'm happy.

i'm sad.
i'm barfy.

i'm insecure.
i'm not good enough.

i'm trying.
i'm working at it.

i'm confused.
i'm thinking.

i'm scared.
i'm worried.

i'm smiling so hard my cheeks hurt and i still continue to smile.
i'm laughing so hard i collapse on my knees and can hardly breathe.

i feel like skipping.
i feel like laughing harder.
i feel like smile bigger.
i feel like sharing my thoughts.
i feel so pretty inside and out.
i feel so valued.
i feel so grateful for life.

it's because of you.
all of you.

thank you for this mixedhappinessflutterynervousemotion.
it's purely amazing.

goodbye ruby tuesday

this morning i woke up out of breath.
i had to think to breathe.

i can't remember anything from the dream, really.
just i was falling off a building.
i was just standing on the edge of it looking down then next thing i know, i'm falling.
i had my hand out waiting for someone to catch me, even while i was half way past the building. i don't know who i was waiting for to catch me or save me, or why i was waiting or wanting someone to save me.

i feel so out of place everywhere i go.
i feel uncomfortable with everyone, even myself.
i'm not like everyone else in the world and i'm on edge.

i'm about to go crazy.
or maybe i am crazy.

i'm so stressed with life.
the tension in my body pumping through my veins and i can fucking feel it.
i feel bad for the person that breaks that tension.
i don't mean to flip out on people, it comes naturally and i don't even think that i'm about to flip, it just comes.
but once it is broken, it's like a whole new tension, that's even tighter.
waiting for me to fucking crack, again and again and again and again.

i'm so uncertain with myself.
how i view myself is just so vague.
i'm uncertain of waking up and going to sleep.
i'm not sure what i am or even, who i am.
i'm just blobby, if that's how i can characterize myself.
but i hate being under a title,
i just want to be free and not shackled to something where i don't gain or lose anything.
i'm just there.

i'm insecure though i'm trying to show the world i'm covered.
i'm just in the backseat because i'm too afraid to ride shotgun.

but who is the driver?
who is riding shot gun?
where are we going?
why can't i ride shot gun?
what is there to gain or lose?

it's your day to shine.

i. fucking. hate. this. fucking. school.
pleeeeeasseeeee
i. can't. take. it. anymore.


i'm. trying. to. stay. sane.


but, today is not my day.

no strings attached

Lately, I haven’t really had enough time to think. When I do I think of everything at once I can’t think what I’m thinking when I isolate just one thought. My brain just lingers way and I’m lost in the trance of my thought. I feel it in my heart when this happens. I feel what I REALLY want. My heart has this sweet, soft melting feeling. And my finger tips feel like pins and needles, the good kind. I feel so appreciative, but that’s not the right word but it’s the only one that comes to mind. I don’t want drugs and alcohol anymore. I want to be a happy girl that doesn’t self-medicate herself from the bad feelings the world threw at her. I want to skip rocks with everyone. I want to skip around with an ice cream cone in my hand. I want to dance to EVERY song and have everyone smile. I want to be in my underwear and swim in the river and jump in while we all hold pinkies. I want to share my blankets with you and watch movies, all types of movies. I want movies that will make you cry, ones that will make you laugh so hard your stomach and cheeks hurt, ones that make you so scared you cover your eyes and pry them open to watch what is happening. I want to read books together. I want to blow bubbles and clap them. I want to fill balloons with helium and write thoughts and wishes on them and let them go. I want to thumb wrestle with you. I want to leg wrestle with you. I want to sit around and play video games with you. I want to tell knock-knock jokes with you. I want to outline our bodies with chalk like a crime scene. And I want to play hopscotch with you. I want to have cozy nights with you, where we curl up in cuddle puddles under nice, warm blankets near a fire. I want to have serious nights with you, where we delay the fun for a while and talk about what’s on our minds. I want to go through old pictures with you and tell you the story of it. I want to pretend with you. I want to imagine with you. I want to enjoy life with you. I want you to call me to tell me something that no one would care about. I want to chase you and be chased. I want to play hide-n-seek. I want to climb a mountain with you. I want to share everything with you. I mean EVERYTHING, with an exception of a few things, like toilet paper. I want to share memories, laughter, thoughts, wishes, beliefs, tears. I want to go to bed thinking of all the possibilities we can do tomorrow and wake up with a fresh, new list to do.

This all seems so perfect; just being free. Not living to everyone’s standards. Not being someone you’re not. Not being afraid of someone judging you, of the world judging you. You are showing the world who you are; I am showing you who I am. Sharing with each other, creating with each other; it all seems so perfect imagining it but why waste the thoughts and excitement of it all and live it. Let’s do it together. Let’s be there for each other. Let’s be happy. Let’s have adventures. Let’s laugh. Let’s imagine. Let’s enjoy. Let’s pretend. Let’s enjoy. Let’s share. Let’s play. Let’s snuggle. Let’s remember. Let’s do it all. Let’s not hold back.
We have one life to be ourselves. Let’s not sit around and do nothing. Let’s not waste anything. Don’t not be you. Don’t live to be someone else. Have someone there. I want someone to be there.

open waters

i'm under the water, drowning.
each bubble of air i let out to keep living only makes me a little more dead.
i jumped in alone; not knowing that i would quickly be taken under.
i keep holding my breath as long as i can before i need to let a little out.
the more i let out, the more i suffocate.
the more i suffocate, the quicker i become lifeless.
the quicker i become lifeless, the more angry i get.
the more angry i get, the more i just want to say fuck it.
the more i just want to say fuck it, the more i wonder why i keep breathing.

when will i make it to the surface?
when can i breathe?

or

when will i say fuck it all?
when can i suffocate?

heated

i'm angry.
each day when something fucks me over i get more and more heated than what i started off with the day before and the day before that.
i'm annoyed with life. i'm annoyed with it all.

i feel abandoned and livid.

i'm mad that i'm alone in this all.
i'm mad that i'm doing this alone.
i'm mad that you left me.
i'm mad that you're against me.
i'm mad that you've ALWAYS been against me.
i'm mad that i'm surrounded by brainless people and by people who think they're better.
i'm mad that i did this to myself.

it's a business professional enviroment

i never actually thought that once i was finally out of this school or even thinking about leaving that i'm really upset. i met some of the greatest people there and some of the most fucking retarded people. i like making teachers mad. i like them asking me what my deal is. i like them going up to the guidance office with me and having meetings to wonder why i act the way i do. it's all understandable. i like sitting at the lunch table talking about people with the girls. and talking about the kid that sits at the lunch table and talks to no one and after he finishes his lunch he puts his head down and looks totally depressed. i like my random outburst of laughter that the teachers HATE. i like cutting up the whole time. i like complaining about how much i hate that school and the teachers, because i do. i'm like writing stuff on the bathroom. and on people's lockers. and i like seeing boys down the hall way and running and hugging them and they spin me around. i like the fucking stupidass whistle blowing and no one giving a fuck. i like ms ickes and going to talk to her and how she agrees with all that i say. i like how they try to conform you to successful individuals and hate the ones who rebel. i like how they try to figure me out without getting to actually know me. i like how much i hate it there and hate how much i kind of like it there.
i don't wanna leave the friends i made there. i don't want to be forgotten there. i don't want it to be dull without me there. i want people to not be successful and continue to cut up and get fucked up and speak up and act up. i want my memories to stick with me and my friends. i've had the best of memories there. and the worst. but i live for the best of them.

when you worry, your face will frown.

i really couldn't feel any more happier than what i am.
i'm free, finally.
though, i always kept myself free.
i just don't have the weight holding my freedom down this time.
oh, what a wonderful feeling this is.

evergrowing list

i honestly don't care about your problems.
i have almost enough to deal with my own.


1. you're on my nuts constantly and you never get the hint that i don't like you. you broke up with your girlfriend thinking that you'd actually have the slightest chance with me. you act like something you're not, which a lot of people do, but you can just tell that who you claim to be isn't you. you don't go to school after you drank an entire bottle of SKYY and you don't smoke pot or cigarettes. just because half of us might doesn't mean you have to. and we never invite you along to hang out you just randomly appear and annoy the fuck outta us. and you're some fucking stupid ass believing i was in an open relationship with my best friend. so take all that pot you smoke, all that alcohol you drink and every cigarette you've bummed off me and everyone else up your fucking ass.

2. okay, what happened happened and i regret that ever happening. i can't stay mad at you for what happened because it was my actions too. doing what we did made me realize how much i love my boyfriend. you've helped me in some ways and in others you haven't. i try not to talk to you and i know for a fact that nothing will ever happen with us anymore because i see who you really are. you've hurt so many people and some are even my friends. you know what you're doing but you just continue to do it for your own pleasure. i try to inform all you about what has happened to me and past people but no one listens so for all the bitches that don't listen, have fun with my sloppy seconds. and for you, i still want to remain of what we are. we aren't friends but we aren't enemies anymore. i just want you to try respect that i do have a boyfriend still and try not to put things on me. don't get me wrong, what we had was good but i really couldn't take it that seriously.

3. you were one of my best friends at a certain time and point but now you're just like there. we are still 'friends' i guess but it honestly don't matter to me. you left me hanging for a while now. i'm still here for you though you aren't here for me. i understand what is happening to you but how you're handling it is way out of line. i understand that we did do some shit in the past but that was like nothing, really. we are still close but i don't even want to be friends with you after what you did. it's not fair to me or two other people. so take your small, skimpy dick that magically 'grows' when you touch it elsewhere.

4. we were cool until you decided to make a nasty joke about me. and your stupid ass sent it to someone that was right next to who i was talking to and he showed me. i don't put up with people treating me like that anymore. so go learn some manners and maybe you'll get girls someday you big-headed perv.

5. i honestly don't care about your problems. i never felt sorry for you because you're only bringing this on yourself. i've been there, done that, also. look at me now? i'm happy to most eyes. i got over most of my past. it's still there but i don't really care anymore and you shouldn't either. you complain to me too much and you try to tell me what to do with my boyfriend. well let me tell you something, when you have your own boyfriend you can do whatever you want. but he's mine so leave me the fuck alone about it.i don't really even care that you want to kill yourself because you won't do it. i'm not asking you to either. i'm asking you to get over everything quit complaining that you don't have a girlfriend, you're ugly, you're lonely, you're going to be homeless, you don't do anything, you don't know who you are.

words of advise: YOU'RE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. i'm not going to tell you what to do with your life and i've never even met you. you have to explore and find your answers and you have to actually do something to get something. so maybe i did tell you what to do, or i'm telling you what i do.

get over yourself and don't let others pity you because they no have to reason. you do this to basically everyone for the attention that makes everyone want to get away from you.

6. i don't really dislike you or really have anything bad to say. most of this is my fault, actually it all is. you got me started on drugs and enhanced my drunken days. i thank you guys for most of it but i'd probably be happier never doing drugs or drinking again but i just don't know how to stop. i've been doing it for so long. i guess i'm almost dependent on it. things got way out of hand and i have my one fucked up night that i'll probably never forget. or forget others actions and opinions on it. everything go way out of hand. and i realized how much people care for me. but after tell you all this you still offer me everything and i can't really say no to an offer like this. after promising everyone i'm done drinking and doing drugs i still do it. it's my fault i know. but i love you and hate you guys all at the same time. you supply me with the best times and you give me the worst of times.

"THIS IS ANNOYING!"

i really love how you think you can treat the whole class like shit
and expect to be treated like a champ.
let's write me up some more.
you're the one that's getting upset and letting a rude, ignorant, stupid cruddy girl get to you.
now we're all laughing at you.
except the other teacher in the room and the aid that thinks he's an ACTUAL teacher.

you can talk your smack on a silly girl like me.
i'm doing it with the rest of class, loud enough for you to hear and get more upset.

you act like you're so innocent but really you're a bitch.

you walked out the room to take a breather from the class.
who is in charge now?
you can't control a class because we're all teaming up on the teachers.

i can't wait for this whole school to have a walk out.
there is only so much more that we ALL can take until we do.

fuck you City High.

detour

i look into the mirror and i can't see the same me as a year ago. all i can do is look in the mirror and cry at the sight i get. i'm such a pretty girl but what i see is so dark and ugly. i'm not looking at myself with appearance but i can see right through me. i can't remember anything that i enjoyed and i can't remember what made life so good at a point in my life. i followed a long road of not caring for myself or life and only caring of only a few of those around me. i wrecked myself too many times but i never saw it until now when i see myself. my alter ego is a monster. i'm perplex with myself, i don't know who i am anymore. who i have become is intricate and i endeavor to see who i once was, to become who i once was. i took a diabolical road destroying my memories, friends, family and trust. i was too selfish with my own pleasure and blissful guilt to realize who i have effected until now. i hurt everyone who means everything to me. i was too oblivious with those who do care and love me and had a mindset that i should destroy myself but i only hurt those around me. i'm conscious with what i have and what i've done and i strive to find what once made me realize why life was and is so good. i appreciate who i have especially Jodie, Duane and Brandon. they made me realize what i'm doing and how i'm destroying my life and hurting the others that do care for me. i no long want to be the monster and i want to be Brooke.

i hope you continue to ignore me

cuz I'm not ignoring myself this time.
it's coming to an end real soon, gum drop.
the clock is a ticking until it destructs.
and it'll be gone by the time you notice what you're doing.
and this won't be my fault one bit.
i promise you this.