goodbye ruby tuesday

this morning i woke up out of breath.
i had to think to breathe.

i can't remember anything from the dream, really.
just i was falling off a building.
i was just standing on the edge of it looking down then next thing i know, i'm falling.
i had my hand out waiting for someone to catch me, even while i was half way past the building. i don't know who i was waiting for to catch me or save me, or why i was waiting or wanting someone to save me.

i feel so out of place everywhere i go.
i feel uncomfortable with everyone, even myself.
i'm not like everyone else in the world and i'm on edge.

i'm about to go crazy.
or maybe i am crazy.

i'm so stressed with life.
the tension in my body pumping through my veins and i can fucking feel it.
i feel bad for the person that breaks that tension.
i don't mean to flip out on people, it comes naturally and i don't even think that i'm about to flip, it just comes.
but once it is broken, it's like a whole new tension, that's even tighter.
waiting for me to fucking crack, again and again and again and again.

i'm so uncertain with myself.
how i view myself is just so vague.
i'm uncertain of waking up and going to sleep.
i'm not sure what i am or even, who i am.
i'm just blobby, if that's how i can characterize myself.
but i hate being under a title,
i just want to be free and not shackled to something where i don't gain or lose anything.
i'm just there.

i'm insecure though i'm trying to show the world i'm covered.
i'm just in the backseat because i'm too afraid to ride shotgun.

but who is the driver?
who is riding shot gun?
where are we going?
why can't i ride shot gun?
what is there to gain or lose?