alright, i get it

i'm not perfect
and i'm not over everything.
i try to forget but it's always a permanent mark left on me.

i have too many scars to show.
i have too many scars to hide.
i have too many scars that are not visible.

i can't change no matter how hard i try.
trying gets me no where, so i give up.

i want simple.
i want easy.

yeah, i know i can't have that
because life isn't supposed to be easy.
change means working hard and i'm afraid of any outcome.
working is so hard unless you have a motive.

i don't see why i should make myself a motive,
i'm really not all that important.
i'm just not important.

i care about all the non important things, like orange, cherry and grape soda. i like facts that no one gives two shits about. i like museums,only because they stay the same. i like how people have two sides to them. i like spending most of my days alone. i like reading books though i never really have time. i like sleeping and taking nyquil even if i'm not sick. i like staying up all night. i like finding pictures on the internet that make it laugh so hard. i like talking about my childhood to a point. i like consistency and how i do the same routine everyday. i like cigarettes and pot and alcohol and dreams and beliefs and hopes and leaps.

i'm non important and i feel like i should be important, who cares though? i'm just a stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who doesn't know shit and self-medicates herself to hide from everyone else. who cares too much what she looks on the outside oppose than the inside only to make others happy. who only cares about being tan, skinny and free. but i'll never be any of those. i'll just be the stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who feels that someone should maybe care and who wants to be free but would rather hide and who won't be good enough, ever.

i told my mom my head hurt today and she brought me a glass of orange juice and two ibeprofins. she actually did something for me. she might care, finally. i'm a fool and trick myself, i recognize it.