"it can't rain forever"

though i sure wish it could.

nights like these i have too much to think about when all alone because everyone else is out having fun and i'm stuck inside because i'm grounded or they're sleeping and it's only 1030pm.

i spend too much time in my backyard. i sneak out to get a couple of cigarettes so i can avoid puking and being sick and lay in the grass wearing absolutely nothing hoping either one of you would come up and put your dick inside me so i can feel all that pain that either of you put me through so i can at least feel something and i don't deserve anything good. i play asshole by myself and lay on my back and spit straight up in the air because that's what i deserve, a face full on unwiped spit and laying where all the dog shit from two dogs used to be and to be an asshole because that's all i can amount to with myself.

the only good thing that really is to all that is sometimes fireflies come up and light up above me and sometimes land on me, the peace and quiet with the quiet breeze of the wind and the other bugs cricking, and when the sky is lit up a smokey gray and you can see the little and big dipper, and when it's lightly drizzling out. it all feels so good on my body and i hurry up and finish that cigarette and spitting on my face and being naked because i don't deserve to feel that good.

i'm not completely over my past and i still can't leave it there. i don't want to talk about it that much because they're only stupid stories full of pain, guilt, sorrow and heartbreak. it's only a story but it's my story, all fucking mine, and i won't ever let it go and when i tell everyone they'll tell me:
a. "you have to be careful. if that happens to you again call me and i'll come beat that mother fuckers ass."
b. "nothing is ever free."
or
c. "you deserve so much better and you need to be treated right. you're such an amazing girl full of wonder, adventure and bubble."

well really thanks for listening!
you wouldn't do shit even if i called you up and told you it happened again because of my carelessness though i try to protect myself from my mistakes for it all to happen again. some things are free, like lap dances, because it's nothing but cheap love though it has the word cheap in it so i guess it's not free except you don't need to throw dollar bills on it. if you truly looked into me which i don't let most people do you'd see nothing. i'm not amazing, bubbly or wonderful. i'm broke of excitement but you'll never see it because i tell you dumb stories so you can see something but not the full effect of the asshole piece of crusted dog shit with ash and spit all fucking over my white bra.

i'm tired of hearing the same shit from myself and everyone else. i want something new and improved than who i'll become or am but i'm just a tad unsure but almost convinced.