a day like today

is a day where i can look like absolute shit and still look actually decent.
i'm happy it's raining today.
and my butt cheeks are cold from sitting in the rain.

every time i hear butthole or think about the word butthole i laugh.

"fantasy lies beyond the reaches of time."

yesterday i watched Chicken Little with my niece and talked about her trip to Disney. She told me that she liked the wish upon a star fireworks and they had shooting star fireworks that were fighting against each other. we watched Chicken Little together and there is a part in the movie where he is talking to a star because no one is believe that the sky is falling and i said "AWH! HE'S WISHING ON A STAR." because it's was just so cute. We watched it a little for another 30 minutes and then i had to leave. while were leaving there was a plane in the sky but you couldn't see it so it looking like it was scratching the sky and my sister said, "no Lena, that's an airplane." but she insisted that it was a shooting star and kept repeating "LOOK! A SHOOTING STAR! A SHOOTING STAAAAARR!". my sister was getting ready to say something about how it's an airplane so i hurried up and cut her off and told her to hurry up and make a wish and then she jumped and stuck her arms out completely straight and made a noise like PPSHHHH! my sister had caught on and we all started dancing and skipping and singing When You Wish A Star until we got to the car.

"it can't rain forever"

though i sure wish it could.

nights like these i have too much to think about when all alone because everyone else is out having fun and i'm stuck inside because i'm grounded or they're sleeping and it's only 1030pm.

i spend too much time in my backyard. i sneak out to get a couple of cigarettes so i can avoid puking and being sick and lay in the grass wearing absolutely nothing hoping either one of you would come up and put your dick inside me so i can feel all that pain that either of you put me through so i can at least feel something and i don't deserve anything good. i play asshole by myself and lay on my back and spit straight up in the air because that's what i deserve, a face full on unwiped spit and laying where all the dog shit from two dogs used to be and to be an asshole because that's all i can amount to with myself.

the only good thing that really is to all that is sometimes fireflies come up and light up above me and sometimes land on me, the peace and quiet with the quiet breeze of the wind and the other bugs cricking, and when the sky is lit up a smokey gray and you can see the little and big dipper, and when it's lightly drizzling out. it all feels so good on my body and i hurry up and finish that cigarette and spitting on my face and being naked because i don't deserve to feel that good.

i'm not completely over my past and i still can't leave it there. i don't want to talk about it that much because they're only stupid stories full of pain, guilt, sorrow and heartbreak. it's only a story but it's my story, all fucking mine, and i won't ever let it go and when i tell everyone they'll tell me:
a. "you have to be careful. if that happens to you again call me and i'll come beat that mother fuckers ass."
b. "nothing is ever free."
or
c. "you deserve so much better and you need to be treated right. you're such an amazing girl full of wonder, adventure and bubble."

well really thanks for listening!
you wouldn't do shit even if i called you up and told you it happened again because of my carelessness though i try to protect myself from my mistakes for it all to happen again. some things are free, like lap dances, because it's nothing but cheap love though it has the word cheap in it so i guess it's not free except you don't need to throw dollar bills on it. if you truly looked into me which i don't let most people do you'd see nothing. i'm not amazing, bubbly or wonderful. i'm broke of excitement but you'll never see it because i tell you dumb stories so you can see something but not the full effect of the asshole piece of crusted dog shit with ash and spit all fucking over my white bra.

i'm tired of hearing the same shit from myself and everyone else. i want something new and improved than who i'll become or am but i'm just a tad unsure but almost convinced.

i'd rather run away than stay and see

i really wish you all were strangers to me.
it'd make everything so much easier on me.

i'm very vulnerable right now though no other is make me this except me and it'd help if you came and tore me apart and buried me.

turn and run though all i need to know is the truth

i've been puking all day and i'm pretty sure it's because i haven't had a cigarette all day. my head has been pounding and i've been hot and sweaty all day too. gosh, i need nicotine to cure me, i swear.

lately, i've been attracted to everyone. i want to love everyone and i'd want the same love back. i want to quit going over the same speed bump and start flying down the high way. i want my hair flying in the wind and smacking against my face and my hair sticking to my lip gloss. i want change for once. i'm tired of living the same thing i have been for the past almost 3 months because i simply know it's all over.

i'm changing myself because i feel like it's time to change. i've looked the same for the past 7 months and it all has your DNA on it. i need to cut down and live something new though i'm really scared of the outcome and the thought of changing almost brings me to tears but i really need to do it.

coz eetsa pawtay.

yesterday i was trying to learn how to queef on command and i peed myself.

i talked to someone on the phone for around an hour and i told them stuff that i don't normally tell anyone because i'm afraid of opinions and criticism and they actually listened and understood me.

my dad spit on my face because someone called me on i was outside smoking and he wouldn't let me on the phone until i put the cigarette out and threw it in the yard. so once i did that he gave the phone to me and i ran down searching the snake grass for the cigarette and he was on the upper deck spitting and it when all in my hair and my face.

three of my friends came down and we sang songs on the neighborhood kids echo microphone.

i'm almost beating sims urbz and i've been playing it since i was in 6th grade. i never beat any video game, ever.

i can't wear underwear for a couple days because i have a sore in the middle of my ass cheeks and it hurts really bad.

i'm finally ungrounded tomorrow!

the fireflies are mating in my backyard
and it's the prettiest thing i've ever seen.

i'm really glad that you are getting sick of me now. then once i move out you don't have to bother with me anymore. so, keep getting sick of my shit since you claim i'm 'miss big shot' now. i'm no big shot, i'm merely i shed of life, really. i'm dull and dumb. i have no character to me whatsoever.

but it's alright, i'm not going to be controlled by anyone, only by myself, because i learned that i'm the only one who can control me.

i'm not putting out my cigarette and i'm dropping out. now tell me, you full of me now?
because i'd like to be out of your life forever.

service with a smile

on days like these i really wish i was completely alone.
there has to be something the matter with me, i swear.
lately i've been spending most of my time outside and i can't sit on my special rock because there are bees all around the fish pond.
today i sat in the grass for the first time in my whole life because i haven't had a dog in 3 years so there isn't dog shit everywhere now.
it made me love my backyard a whole lot.
the neighborhood kids were all in the yard next to be playing on the cheap swing set from K Mart and i was hiding so they wouldn't see me smoke cigarettes and when i was finish i peaked out and all i saw was one swing swinging with no one on it.

i liked that even more than my backyard because they just disappeared. i want to disappear and be left without a trace. i want to be forgotten and wiped off the face of this earth and be in the stars looking down on everyone. i want to head to a new world and learn everything completely new and regain all my innocence and be naive and grow into a person that can handle society because right now, i'm not that person. being able to disappear will be the greatest thing for me yet if only i could make a plan of how to actually disappear.

i also wonder what it's like to be an ant and how long ants actually live for and what they think of before they are squashed and how they work and how they can carry another ant and how the communicate with each other. and i want to know why whenever there is a melted Popsicle on the ground, why are there a bunch of dead ants around it? i want to become an ant.

"is that a taco?"

i miss you a whole lot.
i held down to you.
i'm weak when it comes to you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i'll love you until you go away.

i can't really name a few good things about you except one. you meant so much to me and i can't erase it no matter how much i want, and i'm really good with erasing moments of my life. when i think of you i almost want to cry. i hate you so much but then again, i can't ever hate you so much. you never did anything to me except a couple things, but they're all really funny. you can't really understand me but whenever i tell you i haven't eaten at all that day you get this look in your face like, "Brooke, please eat. why haven't you eaten? i'm almost concerned."

i tried to get you to quit talking to me but i just can't. you don't get mad or upset with anything. i lied and you only said maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we shouldn't do that. i was just trying to get you to go away because i needed you away though i like being with you and i wish it was more constant like how it used to be. i miss going to that cul-de-sac and laying in the field and going under the bridge and your stupid cats. i miss my little section that let everyone know that i was yours.

i told you that i was saving myself until i found someone again but that didn't last too long, i guess. you took me to the cul-de-sac and we just hung out. i forgot the feeling because i didn't do it in so long and then you gave the option of that. i wanted to save myself, i really wanted to, but i missed you too much and i was enjoying your company that day. so we did our little thing and every time we do that i still feel everything. i don't feel it with anyone else but you. i think this is because you were so special to me, though no one saw why. i saw why but i never gave you the credit that i should. i wasn't that good to you though i was the best thing for you.

feeling everything was so great though there isn't much there now. it's all past emotions that won't get out of my heart or my head. but all those feelings felt so good and real again until it was over. i forgot what it was like because i haven't done it in so long and let's just say, i threw out my vibrators because of it.

curiosity killed the cat, HA HAHAHA

i'm breaking apart bit by bit.
i can't tolerate that damn fucking school
i'm leaving it no matter what
so let me go to a different school or i'm dropping out
either way i'll be almost happy.

you say once i drop out i have to move out, well that's fine. once i move out i'm never talking to you ever again. so i hope you're happy with that also. if you weren't around i'd be going to a different school, maybe heading to a road with a high school diploma and some years in college but that's not the case.
YOU made me go to this fucking school.
YOU are keeping me from my happiness.
YOU hold me back.
YOU are selfish.
YOU make me hold your embarrassment.

call stupid Aneeda, i do not care about her one bit. every word she says i don't give a damn about. all her words mean NOTHING to me. you're just trying to start trouble.

i can't even finish any damn thoughts i have. i hate everything about myself.

fuck you and your shit.

I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE, OKAY?

get off my case with everything.
i want to be left alone.

i just want every broken thing that has ever been in my life not fixed because i know it will never become fixed so i'm not trying. I'm afraid that Henry Cruz is going to come get me everywhere and it's sad that you wouldn't listen to me when i told you about him, instead you decided that i stupid little 3 day vacation is more important than my safety and i know you'll let this backfire on me and i'm willing to take this because our relationship has backfired on me multiple times.

i'm not taking anyone's bull crap anymore. if you bother me, i'll tell you. i'm not going to sit there and listen and hold everything back. because when i hold things back i forget what to say when the right time comes. i'll give attitude and a smartmouth and i don't care what you think about it.

i'm done with believing and wasting my time.
i'm done with trying.
i'm done with working.
i'm done with you.
butt out.

shit tits

it makes me really happy when people put forth effort back to being my friend back.
my day just got a little happier though i've been sobbing my eyes out all day because i hate this stupid fucking school.

i was perfectly happy until i got into the cafeteria. being in this school just ruins my day and my key to happiness is out of these gray walls and business professional attire. i need an actual high school where i can where regular clothes and share lockers and do actual work without typing on stupid fucking laptop and having fucking more opportunities.



it makes me really sick sitting across the table from you and your hair looks like a crackhead's.
though i really would like being your friend but you never allow it.
it's alright, it's nothing to gain or lose.

poop

i'm really starting to enjoy life again.
all i needed was a few days off of school to regain my sanity.

i like living a whole lot and i like everything that is going on right now. i like noticing small things and i like when they make a big deal to me. i like telling my friends that can kind of understand me about them and they have input on it also. i like memorizing things rather than writing them on this but it's the only way i'll remember when i look back.

i hope i can stay like this but everything changes.

all you have to do is shout it out.

i don't need you.
i don't need you.
i don't need you.
I DON'T NEED YOU.
I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU.
OR YOU.
OR YOU.
OR ANYONE.

i almost cried because i thought losing you was a big problem but i tilted my head back and let the tears roll back into my eyes because i realized that you aren't that big of a deal that i thought you were.

i lost you before. i couldn't see you for a year. you left me in this house alone. you grew up. you don't care anymore and it's okay for you to vent to me but i can never do the same. so fuck you.

i still like you, you're my sister, i'll always like you but i don't need you because you're not that great to me anymore and i don't love you because hurt me.

i am a stranger.

there is nothing i can really do today or any other day.
i just want to sleep and run and listen to music.
i haven't taken a shower in 4 days and i could keep adding onto that time.
i can find the strength to give a fuck.
and i seriously have no one now.
no one gives a fuck.
and what did give me strength and i thought i could go to told me she's sick of hearing it and that she has her own problems.
that's just want i needed to hear too.
so i can keep sinking down and down
and so i can build enough power to exit out.
all i have is friends that i can never depend on and that i feel uncomfortable with.
so they're like nobody to me.
i'm just going to delete everything until i have no one but myself.
it'd be better like that.
and if someone wants to come along and hear my stories, more power to them.
we'll share our stories and never see each other ever again.

LOOK UP THERE! A DEAD BIRD!

i just want to slip back and enjoy the shade so the light won't keep me here.
just slip back into where no light can go and drift away to an end.
i don't know what will happen if i ever would or what the outcome would be.
i'm even too chicken to make my own outcome for myself.
simply because, i'm afraid of any outcome that i can think of so i stay here.

i just want to journey somewhere and anywhere where i can be acknowledged instead of ignored
but i would be able retain enough for myself to live. i want to swim with the fish in the ocean only because i don't have enough of myself to fly with the birds.

you won't understand so i don't know why i waste my time telling you this all because you'll just get even more on you.

i'm never really cry for myself, it's usually for other people. but today i cried for myself and it's making me feel so terrible because i don't care for myself. i'm not even going to survive out of high school. i want things easy for me and i want my freedom. i want everyone to get along and i want to find the right balance for myself. i want to run away and create my own map just in case i ever forget how to get back there. i want to be left alone and have no rules.

i'm tired of being at the bottom of the dog pile with all this weight on me. i barely have a backbone for myself but i don't deserve to stand.
i'll always be that lost child.
i'll always be not good enough.
i'll always be that ugly girl with the skinny nose and different sized eyes and the messed up teeth.
i'll always be that girl that can't be who she wants because she doesn't listen.
i'll always be that girl that thinks her friends hate her.

i just want to crumble everything i ever had into a tight ball and throw it off with face of the earth.
i want to start over.
i want to be right.

richard just said an asshole is like a sock.
could you imagine asshole fabric socks?

i really can't stop thinking about everything that happened yesterday and when Brandy read me my horoscope. i'm just really confused with everything. and whatever decision i make will upset someone. i just don't know.
at all.

eatable society

i drew mr kohen a picture while i was high and stapled it by the warm ups.
it's actually alright considering i suck at anything artistic.
my body has different temperatures all over
and i had absolutely no time to get ready today because i caught the late class.
it took me seriously 3 minutes to brush my teeth and put clothes on [i'm still wearing my jammies]
i think it's weird when little kids say jammies for pajamas and peepee for a penis or vagina.
why can't they just say it? it's not going to harm anyone, it's a body part.
can't a damn kid know his damn body parts?

yesterday Arley, Anna, Alyssa and I smoked on Arley's front steps and we watched a drug deal and it was really intense. A cat ran away from it's owners and they were chasing they cat around. i had a huge spit puddle. part of the sky lit up a indigo and shaded down to a light purple. it was really nice. and i could see every ray of sunlight. and Arley's shoes squeak a lot. and we all just laugh a lot and tell stories. it was awesome.

my heart is pounding out my chest
like if a kangaroo is beating the fuck out of my heart.

capture; happiness.
capture; imagination.

i'm sitting on a cloud stool all alone with stuffed bears surrounding me as my company. we're having a tea party. i have my cute pink doll dress on and the tea party is just about to start as soon as Corduroy the bear with a missing button on his jumpers is a tad late and is bringing the jam for our biscuits and crackers. while we are waiting Graham is multiplying himself into tiny honey glazed bears and Mama Bear is yelling at us while blowing her porridge. I get up and went through the candy cane gates and i hop into my bubble and float over the city of Toffee to find Corduroy. I spot him catching a airhead airplane over to the field we are having our tea party in. I start bouncing in my bubble to get up to the Orbitz to see Corduroy. He gets on the marshmallow fluff and sticks in on to of the airhead airplane and i stick my bubble on top. we go over the Carmel apple forest and we see the monkeys out their barrel just hangin' around. we go over the peach ring river and everyone is out just floating around on giant peach rings. we stop over to the Jujubee's Jam and we run into Charlie and he says to me 'Good morning starshine, the earth says hello.' then walks on past. I stood outside watching the cotton candy clouds go on by and the lemony sun keep getting brighter. Corduroy gets the jam and we get on the airhead airplane and go through the candy cane gate and into the field. we got out and skipped through the field with the animal crackers. we had the tea party and we ate tons of chocolate and biscuits and cookies and cupcakes and everything sugary and nice and cute. we all played games and complimented each other and said nice things about everyone and how happy we were that everyone is with us. the sun was setting so we finished the tea party and layed in the field near the edge of the earth and watch the milky way and star burst. we closed our eyes and slipped into our happy place but when i opened mine, i was in a classroom listening to the teacher talk about malcolm x and a hard plastic chair and doing everything pointless. i am now completely sober.

drink bleach

i really don't deserve to date any guys.
i don't want you to think that this is your fault at all.
because it's not.
it has 'Brooke' written all over it.

my heart is holding on but my mind is letting go

you really can't compare to anyone else. even though a lot of people are a million times better than you. i miss everything about you. i miss the beginning of it all. you're so different than everyone else out there and i just can't seem to let go. i want to be friends, not lovers. lovers causes too much pain and numbness which is unhealthy for a girl like me. i hate walking past you and just ignoring you but i'm too scared to actually say a simple hi, let along a full conversation. i'm really happy for the both of us and how everything has worked out though i still wish we were friends and you won't allow it. i'd really like being friends with you, our friendship was better than anything we ever had.

i miss all the memories we had. they're fading away and i'm slowly deleting everything that has ever existed between us because i'm good at deleting my past. i held on to you for too long and now i can't hold onto anyone at all, because of you.

i was comparing you to someone today and it was weird. you're not in my life and the other person is and i started to cry because i miss you so much and how you are so different to him. it made me really sad and now i'm starting to push that person away which is terribly. i can feel in my heart that he's still with me though my mind wants him gone but i'm not allowing myself to lose anyone else because it's not necessary for myself to be doing this.

i really want you to come out and see me one day, we need to catch up and create some more memories, before we forget each other.

baaarrrffff!

today is science class mr.moreland was explaining deltas to the class. he said that the mississppi delta barfs everything out into the gulf of mexico. after he said barf nearly half the class started making barf noises, i didn't but i was laughing and i usually gag when i hear those noises.

i actually like mr. moreland and i'm happy he's having a baby boy that's due labor day. everyone is having babies. it's the new fashion i guess. especially for the teen girls in Bellevue and Avalon. let's hope i don't follow under that.

i really want to keep keep track of all these moments now. so i can know what made life so good incase i ever forget who i am and why life was so good. i have a lot of memories which means a lot of stories, just so i can relive the past and remember and smile and laugh and cry and laugh and smile some more.

i need marijuana

sooo soooo sooooo bad.

marijuana upgrades me.
this morning i woke up still high (:
it was awesome.

i don't give a fuck

i really love when i'm smarter than teachers and when teachers actually admit i'm right rather than arguing with me about how their wrong answer is right, it saves me some words that i would love to flip on.


i really wish i was going to warped tour. and i'm believing in wishes again. i thought i would never wish again because i thought wishes didn't come true because i couldn't see Arley on sunday and plus i was really super blown so it just had me thinking and really sad almost but i couldn't be sad about it no matter how hard i tried. i could say i was but i couldn't feel sad about it until i was sober the next morning.

last night was unimaginable and really cute and i'm really happy about things are turning out. don't get smoke so much you forget about me. don't get so drunk you forget about me.
just.
don't.
forget.
about.
me.
the night you took a vike and you passed out made me really upset but i was glad that you woke up at 3am and realized that you missed out on me. i was looking forward for that day. but that night came last night :D<3
i really can't stop thinking about a bunch of memories and i wish i had time to tell them all.
i liked when you kept kissing my cheek and when i blushed and turned my cheek you started kissing the other one, it made me really happy. and i like how sweet you are. and i liked when the kitten was laying inbetween us on my porch and you called the kitten a cute fucker. it was really adorable. i'm really happy about us, i couldn't be happier to be honest. but i'm also worried that i'll push you away. but i really really REALLY don't want to.

i think it's funny about when i put :D<3
it's like it's eating love.

i want graham crackers and milk. i had them last night as if it were cereal.

andddddd, i'm giving up on school.
i'm not going to graduate.
i hate City High.
fuck you.

i never get selected for anything. i'm just thrown on the side and left there. no one cares about me, i guess. i get put on a side of the class with all the bad kids because i guess i'm classified as a 'bad kid'.

this blog really had no point (:

blahewjpir48-uksdf;

today, everybody looks so nice.
i made a couple of friends this morning while smoking a blunt.
it made me very happy.
i feel pretty strange today.
and i'm failing workforce but i don't care.
everything is going so great for me.
i'm making a few changes, i need it.
i also am considering being in the porn industry
it'd be easy for me.
i'm not going to graduate high school.
i can almost feel that i'm not.
i always give up and push away.
i don't like difficultness
i can't manage.
i just like trips to the bakery, sugar lumps, chocolate, dandelions, cream-colored puppies, kittens cuddling, sweaters fresh out the dryer, freeze pops on a hot day, looking nice, scrabble, the smell of rain, sunshine so bright you squint your nose, helping others, making differences, michael jacksons songs, trivia, peanut butter and jelly, when my mom makes me food, feeling of hunger, seeing the city lights from my house, smiles, numbness, thoughts, life.