"you don't even know what you want., Brooke."

somedays i like actually thinking that people actually like me. i know they don't and i only fool myself when i say i don't care because i do. i'm actually a lot better than what i give myself but i refuse to give myself that credit and i refuse to let myself claim it. i never try hard enough because i don't know how. i don't like doing work so how can i expect anything good in life. i'm always pushing people out of my life one relationship after another so how can i expect someone to be there forever. i'm very naive and just plain stupid and i get fucked over on the daily and i still trust everyone. i feel stupid every single day and i look pretty stupid too. all i want is peace with everyone and myself. i want to feel good everyday. i want to be happy learning about stupid shit, i want to feel good in this stupid fucking dress, i want honesty, loyalty, nothing little kiddish. i want to keep everyone i have and add more. i want to soon be able to want to stop drinking and smoking but i don't want it just now. actually, i don't really know what i really want, fuck this, you're right.

one time, when i was high...

I’m not going to finish typing until I’m completely sober. I think it will pretty entertaining for a while. I hope I can achieve it, it’s a goal of mine.
I have you ever forgot why you loved something but you say you love it anyhow? Or like how you care about something but you don't really have a reason to care about it or anything. Shit is so weird I swear. I’m just hanging out in my room, skeed as fuck. But I’m barely skeed now, I’m just high. I’m not really feeling drunk anymore.
I have two people in my room, Jackie and Felicia, and it’s 2:54am on June 28, 2009. I’m just hanging out though. We’re all doing different stuff. I’m writing down EVERY SINGLe thing that pops into my head. Jackie is playing viva piñata and we were talking about how guys play video games and they won’t even talk at all. They just sit there in dead silence for hours on end playing something like, gears of war or like call of duty, with three other boys and they don’t speak one fucking word. That would be so damn boring. Felicia, is listening to the music.
I feel like I’m going to puke and as if my fingers keep moving and moving. Boy, it’s tickling my muscles.
They’re just moving and moving. And the sound of feet collecting static is pretty nice for my ears. And seeing my room like completely clean for once is a pretty good feeling for sight.
I’m happy. Everything is so…enhanced. Everything I’m believed is coming real. I’m traveling through different parallels. Right now I’m just chilling but it’ll change real soon I can feel it switching over. We’re all just having a typical slumber party right now but I can see myself through the tunnel of my eye sight and I’m just laying there sleeping like sleeping beauty. I can see myself surrounded with nature but I keep switching back to reality. I guess you can tell reality with I guess fantasy, but I’d say it’s imagination.
Imagination is so powerful, probably even more power than the real. Imagination is good or bad. Nice or terrifying. Sweet or salty. It’s however you think it is and you can always change it later on at any time of day anywhere. But in reality everything is just real. It’s happening and you can’t change it. Once time consumed it, it can’t spit it up. It’s all in the past and once it’s done the memory is up. Then it’s over. And every lives up to all the memories because once they let go, where will you go? You just hold anything you can so you have something to support you.
My heart is hurting kind of. I keep thinking I swallowed the back on my lip piercing and that’s why my heart hurts. Because what if I just die? Right here, with my friends here, what will the even do. I’d probably sit there laughing my ass off like ‘uh, what the fuck?’ not realizing what is going on. Anyways, I think the plastic part went into my heart. And now a chamber in my heart with collapse. And I’ll die kind of Michael Jackson.
It’s a shame that he died too. I miss him and I’m realizing what a fucking legend he is. His music was completely fucking amazing, I swear. It’s 3:20am but anyways I can’t believe he diad. But if I died I’d be able to see him and talk to Michael. That’s what I’m going to do when I’m dead.
I wonder what being dead feels like. I wish we had people to tell us what is going to happen but they’re all dead so you can’t ask a dead person fucking shit.
I’m tired as fuck and I wish I could write more than what I am. All I want to do is finish drinking my bomb ass chocolate fucking milk and then curl up with this zebra blanket and enjoy the world spinning away.

When I close my eyes and imagine the America flag I can feel the glitter I my eyes.
Fuck all of this, fuck you.

i have nothing good to say.

i have a good feeling about you.

:)

i had a dream that Ted was running around in Zach's house and then crawled underneath a couch cushion.
i woke up laughing.

dfhwsr6ihb

today on the bus some guy asked if he could sit next to me.
i told he yeah
and then he asked if i was sure.
i don't understand why he had to ask
i mean, seats are basically up for anyone to sit in
though sitting wherever kind of is like how you judge a person.

40s under the stars

i really can't believe this happened.
i really can't believe you did this.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
you're a mess.
i cannot fucking believe it.

how?
why?
right there?
where are my underwear?

i'll tell the rest later.

it's over

i couldn't be happier.
just wait sweetheart,
you'll be surprised.
<3

pictures from memory

last night you told me something on the phone that was really smart.
i can't really remember what it was though,
something about how our lives are based off memory?
i liked it a lot, that you thought like me.
we thought it was really weird,
that
we're
so
similar.

i really can't wait to see you.
don't forget.
about me.

this is for you

i don't like you.
you make yourself look like dumbass.
you don't understand,
AT ALL.
you say the same things all the time
and you can't hold intellectual conversation.
you're not smart enough for me, you're not fun enough for me.
i need excitement, i need brains, i need different.
you don't belong, clearly.

leave me alone.

read these and try to discuss them.
YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND
you, just, don't.
and you won't.
and you'll start a conversation about it and not no what it's about.
my mind is just not meant for you so,
butt out.

elements of nothingness

i'd rather spend most days alone.
i wish i couldn't talk.
or people had a reason to leave me alone.

i wish i stayed inside and did what i liked and finding out who i am while i'm isolated from everyone else.

like those people when you go out to eat for breakfast and you feel so bad because they're eating only, i want that to be me. i want to sit there reading a stupid newspaper, drinking my stupid coffee waiting my stupid french toast, being alone.
i'll take walks alone and find new routes and take different routes and ignore everyone, if someone says a stupid hi i'll just walk on past as if i never knew them. then, they'll get all offended and start to not like me for not saying a stupid hello to them back which isn't really a reason to hate someone or not like them but people can't get along.

i just want to be left alone. i want to break down into nothing almost and become:
earth and wind.

"i don't give a two stars." - tommy

nobody ever knows the time. clocks slip back, watches run out of batteries, the world gained an extra second on new years, the world is slowing down, cell phones sometimes have different times, computers have different times, i don't know the time, no one knows the time.
it's so nice never knowing what time it is, it's like your living in forever. forever confuses me because
a second ago is gone forever, yesterday is gone forever, a year ago is gone forever.
in love, stargirl by jerry spinelli there is this quote:
“You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today that you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday.”
if you ignore today and try to live in yesterday then your wasting time that could make it worth forever?

so if you waste today, are you living in forever?
i'm confused.

oh,

i have a lot of drafts on my blog
only because i don't like to finish a lot of things.
i hate ending things, but i do it a lot.
but there isn't an absolute end here, you can go back and revise and delete and change.
but it just doesn't feel the same even while knowing that.

alright, i get it

i'm not perfect
and i'm not over everything.
i try to forget but it's always a permanent mark left on me.

i have too many scars to show.
i have too many scars to hide.
i have too many scars that are not visible.

i can't change no matter how hard i try.
trying gets me no where, so i give up.

i want simple.
i want easy.

yeah, i know i can't have that
because life isn't supposed to be easy.
change means working hard and i'm afraid of any outcome.
working is so hard unless you have a motive.

i don't see why i should make myself a motive,
i'm really not all that important.
i'm just not important.

i care about all the non important things, like orange, cherry and grape soda. i like facts that no one gives two shits about. i like museums,only because they stay the same. i like how people have two sides to them. i like spending most of my days alone. i like reading books though i never really have time. i like sleeping and taking nyquil even if i'm not sick. i like staying up all night. i like finding pictures on the internet that make it laugh so hard. i like talking about my childhood to a point. i like consistency and how i do the same routine everyday. i like cigarettes and pot and alcohol and dreams and beliefs and hopes and leaps.

i'm non important and i feel like i should be important, who cares though? i'm just a stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who doesn't know shit and self-medicates herself to hide from everyone else. who cares too much what she looks on the outside oppose than the inside only to make others happy. who only cares about being tan, skinny and free. but i'll never be any of those. i'll just be the stupid, stinkin' cruddy girl who feels that someone should maybe care and who wants to be free but would rather hide and who won't be good enough, ever.

i told my mom my head hurt today and she brought me a glass of orange juice and two ibeprofins. she actually did something for me. she might care, finally. i'm a fool and trick myself, i recognize it.

f u

i hate that you call me names.
I'm Brooke.
you can be yourself around me.
you need to be yourself around me.
because i like the before better than the after.
quit the small talk, give me the real deal.

lose it

i can feel it in my fingers.
i want to touch it, i want to feel it, i want to see it.
you won't understand, you'll assume.
you'll ask, and i'll say nothing.
you'll drop it. i'll feel better.
both of us aren't stupid.
we know what's going on.
i like it.
it's never felt so good,
to have no control.

deliver me from evil

please, don't allow me temptation.

acid

i wish you'd go away so i could go puke.
puke. abort.
puke. abort.
puke. abort.
happiness.

ftw

you're not getting under my skin.
please, try to take more away from me.
you've already taken almost everything,
AND I'M STILL STANDING.
for now.
all you have left is to take my soul,
and you would because you're the fucking devil.

but i'm winning right now.
but you'll catch up sooner or later.
we'll never call it quits.
i need to get pay back on what you did to me.
i need to get over it.
you need to get over it.
we need help.

ashes

i was standing against the bus stop smoking a cigarette.
i flicked the ashes and they all started floating around.
it was so pretty amazing.
i couldn't stop watching it.
it reminded me of cinderella, like when she's scrubbing the floor and all the suds and bubbles were floating around, only with ashes.
how enchanting, right?
while i was watching the ashes float all around a little boy was running through the parking lot, no supervision, to get inside McDonalds.
he was so happy to go into McDonalds, he had a moment of freedom, running across the parking lot while his mother is still getting out of the car, he leaped out and booked it.
i usually think it's funny when parents grab onto there children for running ahead.
but now i feel sorry for the children that can't run and be free for a moment.

why aren't we doing anything?

i've been thinking way too much today.

i'm feeling very sorry for those less fortunate than me.
animals, plants, people, anything.

why are we wasting time on stupid things when we could be finding cures for cancers?
why do we know that we're killing trees but still insist on cutting more trees down, leaving animals without habitats, shelters and families?
why are there people drinking dirty water while i'm drinking purified water?

who cares about devices that can improve orgasms?
focus on something more life impacting
you know, that can actually save someone.
not for someone's own selfish pleasure.

little kids from feed the children, you need some food and you can't get it.
you get poor meals and i'm over hear eating easy mac getting all fat.
if i could, i'd suck some of my fat out and give it to you so you can actually weigh something.
wait, better yet, i'd make you some easy mac.
you'd love it, i swear.

where are there animals being tortured?
what is wrong with you humans?
have you lost all control of yourself?
you should treat everything how you want to be treated.
animals have feelings too.

why are women still looked down upon?
why can't we be treated equally?
would you liked to be look down on by others?
i don't think so.

why are there undeveloped communities?
why are little children doing hard work in no shoes?
why don't they have what i have?
they deserve it, too.

why is there not enough or nothing being done?
why do we know what's going on but doing nothing?
don't you feel bad for them?
don't you want to help them?

the sun isn't shining and that's alright.

days like today give me a lot of time to think.
it's raining so i have an excuse to be left alone.
i'm relaxed, i'm thinking, i'm chill.
i like hearing the rain,
and hearing the thunder,
and counting the elephants until it thunders again,
1 elephant, 2 elephant, 3 elephant, 4 elephant, 5 elephant, 6 elephant, 7 elephant, 8 elephant.
and watching the lightning light up the gray-lit sky,
and watching the lighting in this room flicker.
it's so nice.

i'm nice and cozy with a warm hoodie curled up, comfortable.
i'm eating comfort foods like vanilla caramel ice cream, smores pop tarts, this strawberry jello pretzel salad, sunny d, chocolate, granola, yogurt, applesauce.
i've never realized how good sweet food is.
and how happy it makes me feel.

if i had a choice,
i'd only allow sweet foods
because they make you feel so good.
and everyone deserves to feel good.
it'd make everyone so much better.
and maybe we'd see the good in eachother rather than the bad.
and maybe we'd enjoy eachother a little bit better.
and maybe we'd make more friends and see what people have to offer.

there is good in everyone.
i know it.
even if you're the most sarcastic, hard-shelled, ignorant bastard out there,
i know you have good in you.
I KNOW IT.

people,
go out and enjoy yourself.
enjoy days like these,
enjoy everyday.

curl up in warm clothes,
read books,
paint your nails,
eat sweets,
listen to bob marley,
watch a storm,
take a nap,
watch movies,
phone up an old friend,
laugh,
smile,
enjoy your time here.

enjoy life, you deserved it.

41 mins 8%

i don't care about school work.
i don't care about you.
congratulations that you are happy.
i'm not.
i'm thinking about what actions i should make right now.
jump out the window?
possibly if i had something to break this stupid fucking city high fucking windows.
i'm angry and i wish i could cry.
but i'm not allowing myself to
and i don't know why.

i wonder what you will do when i'm gone.
if you will do anything.
how you will feel.
if you will feel anything.
how you will remember me.
if i will be remembered.
how things will be changed.
if they will even change.

i'll probably be laughing,
in humor and happiness,
remembering the hold you had one me.
i'll be free finally.

i need this to all go away.

35 mins 5%

it'll soon go away.
you started this, it will soon die.
whether it's me,
or this.

28 mins 4%

i'm not listening.
i'm annoyed.

i need to be numb.
i need to fly.
i need a rush.
i need warmth.

i'm a winner.
i'm gone.

i'll be dead sooner or later.
we all die,
everything dies.



we can't be forever, sorry
6 mins 1%

compulsion

it's fucking back.
i don't know where it came from
but it's ALL back.
i wanted it back, i know i did.
that's why these all came back to me.
they're my friends, they make me feel good.
it's my opinions,
and yours.

i,
can't,
stop.

nothing helps,
only to hide.
DO.NOT.SAVE.ME

darling.

she's pushing away
and all i can do is laugh.
this isn't like her.

she wants to skip in fields with no one to bother
except people that want the same as her.
not this hold on her.

i'd tell her to go be free.
she wants to be free.
she needs to be free.

but she won't let it.
she can't do it.
she should do it.

i'm laughing at her in my head.
i don't know how to help her
but she won't help herself.

she's shutting down,
she's breaking away.
she's keeping herself safe.

she won't be made a fool.
she'll make you the fool.
she's in control.

mommy dearest

i fucking hate the living piss out of you.
congratulations on losing both your kids now.
have a nice life bitch.
but really, don't have a nice life
you dumb bitch, i fucking hate you.

fluttery

i've been feeling like this for the past week and it makes me sick, but i can't help but smile.

i smile over everything.

i smile when i remember.
i smile when i imagine.

i smile because of you.

i'm so happy with everything.

i've never felt so good about myself.
i've never felt so bad about myself.

i'm nervous.
i'm jealous.

i'm proud.
i'm happy.

i'm sad.
i'm barfy.

i'm insecure.
i'm not good enough.

i'm trying.
i'm working at it.

i'm confused.
i'm thinking.

i'm scared.
i'm worried.

i'm smiling so hard my cheeks hurt and i still continue to smile.
i'm laughing so hard i collapse on my knees and can hardly breathe.

i feel like skipping.
i feel like laughing harder.
i feel like smile bigger.
i feel like sharing my thoughts.
i feel so pretty inside and out.
i feel so valued.
i feel so grateful for life.

it's because of you.
all of you.

thank you for this mixedhappinessflutterynervousemotion.
it's purely amazing.

goodbye ruby tuesday

this morning i woke up out of breath.
i had to think to breathe.

i can't remember anything from the dream, really.
just i was falling off a building.
i was just standing on the edge of it looking down then next thing i know, i'm falling.
i had my hand out waiting for someone to catch me, even while i was half way past the building. i don't know who i was waiting for to catch me or save me, or why i was waiting or wanting someone to save me.

i feel so out of place everywhere i go.
i feel uncomfortable with everyone, even myself.
i'm not like everyone else in the world and i'm on edge.

i'm about to go crazy.
or maybe i am crazy.

i'm so stressed with life.
the tension in my body pumping through my veins and i can fucking feel it.
i feel bad for the person that breaks that tension.
i don't mean to flip out on people, it comes naturally and i don't even think that i'm about to flip, it just comes.
but once it is broken, it's like a whole new tension, that's even tighter.
waiting for me to fucking crack, again and again and again and again.

i'm so uncertain with myself.
how i view myself is just so vague.
i'm uncertain of waking up and going to sleep.
i'm not sure what i am or even, who i am.
i'm just blobby, if that's how i can characterize myself.
but i hate being under a title,
i just want to be free and not shackled to something where i don't gain or lose anything.
i'm just there.

i'm insecure though i'm trying to show the world i'm covered.
i'm just in the backseat because i'm too afraid to ride shotgun.

but who is the driver?
who is riding shot gun?
where are we going?
why can't i ride shot gun?
what is there to gain or lose?

it's your day to shine.

i. fucking. hate. this. fucking. school.
pleeeeeasseeeee
i. can't. take. it. anymore.


i'm. trying. to. stay. sane.


but, today is not my day.

no strings attached

Lately, I haven’t really had enough time to think. When I do I think of everything at once I can’t think what I’m thinking when I isolate just one thought. My brain just lingers way and I’m lost in the trance of my thought. I feel it in my heart when this happens. I feel what I REALLY want. My heart has this sweet, soft melting feeling. And my finger tips feel like pins and needles, the good kind. I feel so appreciative, but that’s not the right word but it’s the only one that comes to mind. I don’t want drugs and alcohol anymore. I want to be a happy girl that doesn’t self-medicate herself from the bad feelings the world threw at her. I want to skip rocks with everyone. I want to skip around with an ice cream cone in my hand. I want to dance to EVERY song and have everyone smile. I want to be in my underwear and swim in the river and jump in while we all hold pinkies. I want to share my blankets with you and watch movies, all types of movies. I want movies that will make you cry, ones that will make you laugh so hard your stomach and cheeks hurt, ones that make you so scared you cover your eyes and pry them open to watch what is happening. I want to read books together. I want to blow bubbles and clap them. I want to fill balloons with helium and write thoughts and wishes on them and let them go. I want to thumb wrestle with you. I want to leg wrestle with you. I want to sit around and play video games with you. I want to tell knock-knock jokes with you. I want to outline our bodies with chalk like a crime scene. And I want to play hopscotch with you. I want to have cozy nights with you, where we curl up in cuddle puddles under nice, warm blankets near a fire. I want to have serious nights with you, where we delay the fun for a while and talk about what’s on our minds. I want to go through old pictures with you and tell you the story of it. I want to pretend with you. I want to imagine with you. I want to enjoy life with you. I want you to call me to tell me something that no one would care about. I want to chase you and be chased. I want to play hide-n-seek. I want to climb a mountain with you. I want to share everything with you. I mean EVERYTHING, with an exception of a few things, like toilet paper. I want to share memories, laughter, thoughts, wishes, beliefs, tears. I want to go to bed thinking of all the possibilities we can do tomorrow and wake up with a fresh, new list to do.

This all seems so perfect; just being free. Not living to everyone’s standards. Not being someone you’re not. Not being afraid of someone judging you, of the world judging you. You are showing the world who you are; I am showing you who I am. Sharing with each other, creating with each other; it all seems so perfect imagining it but why waste the thoughts and excitement of it all and live it. Let’s do it together. Let’s be there for each other. Let’s be happy. Let’s have adventures. Let’s laugh. Let’s imagine. Let’s enjoy. Let’s pretend. Let’s enjoy. Let’s share. Let’s play. Let’s snuggle. Let’s remember. Let’s do it all. Let’s not hold back.
We have one life to be ourselves. Let’s not sit around and do nothing. Let’s not waste anything. Don’t not be you. Don’t live to be someone else. Have someone there. I want someone to be there.