i really wish you all were strangers to me.
it'd make everything so much easier on me.
i'm very vulnerable right now though no other is make me this except me and it'd help if you came and tore me apart and buried me.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
turn and run though all i need to know is the truth
i've been puking all day and i'm pretty sure it's because i haven't had a cigarette all day. my head has been pounding and i've been hot and sweaty all day too. gosh, i need nicotine to cure me, i swear.
lately, i've been attracted to everyone. i want to love everyone and i'd want the same love back. i want to quit going over the same speed bump and start flying down the high way. i want my hair flying in the wind and smacking against my face and my hair sticking to my lip gloss. i want change for once. i'm tired of living the same thing i have been for the past almost 3 months because i simply know it's all over.
i'm changing myself because i feel like it's time to change. i've looked the same for the past 7 months and it all has your DNA on it. i need to cut down and live something new though i'm really scared of the outcome and the thought of changing almost brings me to tears but i really need to do it.
lately, i've been attracted to everyone. i want to love everyone and i'd want the same love back. i want to quit going over the same speed bump and start flying down the high way. i want my hair flying in the wind and smacking against my face and my hair sticking to my lip gloss. i want change for once. i'm tired of living the same thing i have been for the past almost 3 months because i simply know it's all over.
i'm changing myself because i feel like it's time to change. i've looked the same for the past 7 months and it all has your DNA on it. i need to cut down and live something new though i'm really scared of the outcome and the thought of changing almost brings me to tears but i really need to do it.
coz eetsa pawtay.
yesterday i was trying to learn how to queef on command and i peed myself.
i talked to someone on the phone for around an hour and i told them stuff that i don't normally tell anyone because i'm afraid of opinions and criticism and they actually listened and understood me.
my dad spit on my face because someone called me on i was outside smoking and he wouldn't let me on the phone until i put the cigarette out and threw it in the yard. so once i did that he gave the phone to me and i ran down searching the snake grass for the cigarette and he was on the upper deck spitting and it when all in my hair and my face.
three of my friends came down and we sang songs on the neighborhood kids echo microphone.
i'm almost beating sims urbz and i've been playing it since i was in 6th grade. i never beat any video game, ever.
i can't wear underwear for a couple days because i have a sore in the middle of my ass cheeks and it hurts really bad.
i'm finally ungrounded tomorrow!
i talked to someone on the phone for around an hour and i told them stuff that i don't normally tell anyone because i'm afraid of opinions and criticism and they actually listened and understood me.
my dad spit on my face because someone called me on i was outside smoking and he wouldn't let me on the phone until i put the cigarette out and threw it in the yard. so once i did that he gave the phone to me and i ran down searching the snake grass for the cigarette and he was on the upper deck spitting and it when all in my hair and my face.
three of my friends came down and we sang songs on the neighborhood kids echo microphone.
i'm almost beating sims urbz and i've been playing it since i was in 6th grade. i never beat any video game, ever.
i can't wear underwear for a couple days because i have a sore in the middle of my ass cheeks and it hurts really bad.
i'm finally ungrounded tomorrow!
Friday, July 24, 2009
the fireflies are mating in my backyard
and it's the prettiest thing i've ever seen.
i'm really glad that you are getting sick of me now. then once i move out you don't have to bother with me anymore. so, keep getting sick of my shit since you claim i'm 'miss big shot' now. i'm no big shot, i'm merely i shed of life, really. i'm dull and dumb. i have no character to me whatsoever.
but it's alright, i'm not going to be controlled by anyone, only by myself, because i learned that i'm the only one who can control me.
i'm not putting out my cigarette and i'm dropping out. now tell me, you full of me now?
because i'd like to be out of your life forever.
and it's the prettiest thing i've ever seen.
i'm really glad that you are getting sick of me now. then once i move out you don't have to bother with me anymore. so, keep getting sick of my shit since you claim i'm 'miss big shot' now. i'm no big shot, i'm merely i shed of life, really. i'm dull and dumb. i have no character to me whatsoever.
but it's alright, i'm not going to be controlled by anyone, only by myself, because i learned that i'm the only one who can control me.
i'm not putting out my cigarette and i'm dropping out. now tell me, you full of me now?
because i'd like to be out of your life forever.
service with a smile
on days like these i really wish i was completely alone.
there has to be something the matter with me, i swear.
lately i've been spending most of my time outside and i can't sit on my special rock because there are bees all around the fish pond.
today i sat in the grass for the first time in my whole life because i haven't had a dog in 3 years so there isn't dog shit everywhere now.
it made me love my backyard a whole lot.
the neighborhood kids were all in the yard next to be playing on the cheap swing set from K Mart and i was hiding so they wouldn't see me smoke cigarettes and when i was finish i peaked out and all i saw was one swing swinging with no one on it.
i liked that even more than my backyard because they just disappeared. i want to disappear and be left without a trace. i want to be forgotten and wiped off the face of this earth and be in the stars looking down on everyone. i want to head to a new world and learn everything completely new and regain all my innocence and be naive and grow into a person that can handle society because right now, i'm not that person. being able to disappear will be the greatest thing for me yet if only i could make a plan of how to actually disappear.
i also wonder what it's like to be an ant and how long ants actually live for and what they think of before they are squashed and how they work and how they can carry another ant and how the communicate with each other. and i want to know why whenever there is a melted Popsicle on the ground, why are there a bunch of dead ants around it? i want to become an ant.
there has to be something the matter with me, i swear.
lately i've been spending most of my time outside and i can't sit on my special rock because there are bees all around the fish pond.
today i sat in the grass for the first time in my whole life because i haven't had a dog in 3 years so there isn't dog shit everywhere now.
it made me love my backyard a whole lot.
the neighborhood kids were all in the yard next to be playing on the cheap swing set from K Mart and i was hiding so they wouldn't see me smoke cigarettes and when i was finish i peaked out and all i saw was one swing swinging with no one on it.
i liked that even more than my backyard because they just disappeared. i want to disappear and be left without a trace. i want to be forgotten and wiped off the face of this earth and be in the stars looking down on everyone. i want to head to a new world and learn everything completely new and regain all my innocence and be naive and grow into a person that can handle society because right now, i'm not that person. being able to disappear will be the greatest thing for me yet if only i could make a plan of how to actually disappear.
i also wonder what it's like to be an ant and how long ants actually live for and what they think of before they are squashed and how they work and how they can carry another ant and how the communicate with each other. and i want to know why whenever there is a melted Popsicle on the ground, why are there a bunch of dead ants around it? i want to become an ant.
"is that a taco?"
i miss you a whole lot.
i held down to you.
i'm weak when it comes to you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i'll love you until you go away.
i can't really name a few good things about you except one. you meant so much to me and i can't erase it no matter how much i want, and i'm really good with erasing moments of my life. when i think of you i almost want to cry. i hate you so much but then again, i can't ever hate you so much. you never did anything to me except a couple things, but they're all really funny. you can't really understand me but whenever i tell you i haven't eaten at all that day you get this look in your face like, "Brooke, please eat. why haven't you eaten? i'm almost concerned."
i tried to get you to quit talking to me but i just can't. you don't get mad or upset with anything. i lied and you only said maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we shouldn't do that. i was just trying to get you to go away because i needed you away though i like being with you and i wish it was more constant like how it used to be. i miss going to that cul-de-sac and laying in the field and going under the bridge and your stupid cats. i miss my little section that let everyone know that i was yours.
i told you that i was saving myself until i found someone again but that didn't last too long, i guess. you took me to the cul-de-sac and we just hung out. i forgot the feeling because i didn't do it in so long and then you gave the option of that. i wanted to save myself, i really wanted to, but i missed you too much and i was enjoying your company that day. so we did our little thing and every time we do that i still feel everything. i don't feel it with anyone else but you. i think this is because you were so special to me, though no one saw why. i saw why but i never gave you the credit that i should. i wasn't that good to you though i was the best thing for you.
feeling everything was so great though there isn't much there now. it's all past emotions that won't get out of my heart or my head. but all those feelings felt so good and real again until it was over. i forgot what it was like because i haven't done it in so long and let's just say, i threw out my vibrators because of it.
curiosity killed the cat, HA HAHAHA
i held down to you.
i'm weak when it comes to you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i'll love you until you go away.
i can't really name a few good things about you except one. you meant so much to me and i can't erase it no matter how much i want, and i'm really good with erasing moments of my life. when i think of you i almost want to cry. i hate you so much but then again, i can't ever hate you so much. you never did anything to me except a couple things, but they're all really funny. you can't really understand me but whenever i tell you i haven't eaten at all that day you get this look in your face like, "Brooke, please eat. why haven't you eaten? i'm almost concerned."
i tried to get you to quit talking to me but i just can't. you don't get mad or upset with anything. i lied and you only said maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we shouldn't do that. i was just trying to get you to go away because i needed you away though i like being with you and i wish it was more constant like how it used to be. i miss going to that cul-de-sac and laying in the field and going under the bridge and your stupid cats. i miss my little section that let everyone know that i was yours.
i told you that i was saving myself until i found someone again but that didn't last too long, i guess. you took me to the cul-de-sac and we just hung out. i forgot the feeling because i didn't do it in so long and then you gave the option of that. i wanted to save myself, i really wanted to, but i missed you too much and i was enjoying your company that day. so we did our little thing and every time we do that i still feel everything. i don't feel it with anyone else but you. i think this is because you were so special to me, though no one saw why. i saw why but i never gave you the credit that i should. i wasn't that good to you though i was the best thing for you.
feeling everything was so great though there isn't much there now. it's all past emotions that won't get out of my heart or my head. but all those feelings felt so good and real again until it was over. i forgot what it was like because i haven't done it in so long and let's just say, i threw out my vibrators because of it.
curiosity killed the cat, HA HAHAHA
Thursday, July 23, 2009
i'm breaking apart bit by bit.
i can't tolerate that damn fucking school
i'm leaving it no matter what
so let me go to a different school or i'm dropping out
either way i'll be almost happy.
you say once i drop out i have to move out, well that's fine. once i move out i'm never talking to you ever again. so i hope you're happy with that also. if you weren't around i'd be going to a different school, maybe heading to a road with a high school diploma and some years in college but that's not the case.
YOU made me go to this fucking school.
YOU are keeping me from my happiness.
YOU hold me back.
YOU are selfish.
YOU make me hold your embarrassment.
call stupid Aneeda, i do not care about her one bit. every word she says i don't give a damn about. all her words mean NOTHING to me. you're just trying to start trouble.
i can't even finish any damn thoughts i have. i hate everything about myself.
i can't tolerate that damn fucking school
i'm leaving it no matter what
so let me go to a different school or i'm dropping out
either way i'll be almost happy.
you say once i drop out i have to move out, well that's fine. once i move out i'm never talking to you ever again. so i hope you're happy with that also. if you weren't around i'd be going to a different school, maybe heading to a road with a high school diploma and some years in college but that's not the case.
YOU made me go to this fucking school.
YOU are keeping me from my happiness.
YOU hold me back.
YOU are selfish.
YOU make me hold your embarrassment.
call stupid Aneeda, i do not care about her one bit. every word she says i don't give a damn about. all her words mean NOTHING to me. you're just trying to start trouble.
i can't even finish any damn thoughts i have. i hate everything about myself.
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