open waters

i'm under the water, drowning.
each bubble of air i let out to keep living only makes me a little more dead.
i jumped in alone; not knowing that i would quickly be taken under.
i keep holding my breath as long as i can before i need to let a little out.
the more i let out, the more i suffocate.
the more i suffocate, the quicker i become lifeless.
the quicker i become lifeless, the more angry i get.
the more angry i get, the more i just want to say fuck it.
the more i just want to say fuck it, the more i wonder why i keep breathing.

when will i make it to the surface?
when can i breathe?

or

when will i say fuck it all?
when can i suffocate?

heated

i'm angry.
each day when something fucks me over i get more and more heated than what i started off with the day before and the day before that.
i'm annoyed with life. i'm annoyed with it all.

i feel abandoned and livid.

i'm mad that i'm alone in this all.
i'm mad that i'm doing this alone.
i'm mad that you left me.
i'm mad that you're against me.
i'm mad that you've ALWAYS been against me.
i'm mad that i'm surrounded by brainless people and by people who think they're better.
i'm mad that i did this to myself.

it's a business professional enviroment

i never actually thought that once i was finally out of this school or even thinking about leaving that i'm really upset. i met some of the greatest people there and some of the most fucking retarded people. i like making teachers mad. i like them asking me what my deal is. i like them going up to the guidance office with me and having meetings to wonder why i act the way i do. it's all understandable. i like sitting at the lunch table talking about people with the girls. and talking about the kid that sits at the lunch table and talks to no one and after he finishes his lunch he puts his head down and looks totally depressed. i like my random outburst of laughter that the teachers HATE. i like cutting up the whole time. i like complaining about how much i hate that school and the teachers, because i do. i'm like writing stuff on the bathroom. and on people's lockers. and i like seeing boys down the hall way and running and hugging them and they spin me around. i like the fucking stupidass whistle blowing and no one giving a fuck. i like ms ickes and going to talk to her and how she agrees with all that i say. i like how they try to conform you to successful individuals and hate the ones who rebel. i like how they try to figure me out without getting to actually know me. i like how much i hate it there and hate how much i kind of like it there.
i don't wanna leave the friends i made there. i don't want to be forgotten there. i don't want it to be dull without me there. i want people to not be successful and continue to cut up and get fucked up and speak up and act up. i want my memories to stick with me and my friends. i've had the best of memories there. and the worst. but i live for the best of them.

when you worry, your face will frown.

i really couldn't feel any more happier than what i am.
i'm free, finally.
though, i always kept myself free.
i just don't have the weight holding my freedom down this time.
oh, what a wonderful feeling this is.