today was a really good day.
yay fat footlong blunts.

pizzle john

i was walking around Bellevue with Jackie yesterday and i had to go to the bathroom so we went up to Bayne park to use the port-a-john. we were standing there for like 10 minutes. i told Jackie to go knock on it and she does and then screams HELLO. they guy in there was Cleaver and he's wiggling his fingers saying he's trapped. We start screaming for help and no one is helping us. we see the undercover freshboy police car so we start chasing it waving our arms in the air like he's stranded. all of us are laughing. so finally Cleaver gets out and i go to piss and i ask Jackie to hold the door open for me and Figgy keeps flying it open and telling Jackie to shut the door. the door keeps shutting and i keep telling them to hold it open and Jackie is like yelling at Figgy and Figgy is just being stupid and asking when he can 'give me a show' so i finish pissing and leave.

i haven't been in my backyard for like a couple days until today and it makes everything feel so much better. i like that it's been raining a lot lately and the past two days have been really hot so the ground is drying up. it makes it feel all squishy and it feels completely amazing.

bottles up?

i'm really happy lately and it's because i have everything back and more. the constant days of being fucked up is back and this time i don't have a stupid boyfriend to worry about. i can do whatever, whenever and however.

i'm really happy that i'm almost learning to love myself but each step i take forward to loving myself i find a reason to not love me and take half a step back. i feel like i deserve a lot more respect than what i've been getting and i'm tired of getting mistreated and walked upon. i'm learning and hopefully i'll get there.

lately all my insecurities have been leaking out and i'm afraid it's goin to make me weak. but because i tried to show that i'm strong and someone noticed and said i try to be something i'm not i'm slipping away.

this all connects to everything. i'm not strong and i try to be so i don't get walked all over and mistreated but someone noticed and brought it all out it made me stop to love myself and now i can't own up to anything except being not being able to see straight and making a complete fool of myself.

a day like today

is a day where i can look like absolute shit and still look actually decent.
i'm happy it's raining today.
and my butt cheeks are cold from sitting in the rain.

every time i hear butthole or think about the word butthole i laugh.

"fantasy lies beyond the reaches of time."

yesterday i watched Chicken Little with my niece and talked about her trip to Disney. She told me that she liked the wish upon a star fireworks and they had shooting star fireworks that were fighting against each other. we watched Chicken Little together and there is a part in the movie where he is talking to a star because no one is believe that the sky is falling and i said "AWH! HE'S WISHING ON A STAR." because it's was just so cute. We watched it a little for another 30 minutes and then i had to leave. while were leaving there was a plane in the sky but you couldn't see it so it looking like it was scratching the sky and my sister said, "no Lena, that's an airplane." but she insisted that it was a shooting star and kept repeating "LOOK! A SHOOTING STAR! A SHOOTING STAAAAARR!". my sister was getting ready to say something about how it's an airplane so i hurried up and cut her off and told her to hurry up and make a wish and then she jumped and stuck her arms out completely straight and made a noise like PPSHHHH! my sister had caught on and we all started dancing and skipping and singing When You Wish A Star until we got to the car.

"it can't rain forever"

though i sure wish it could.

nights like these i have too much to think about when all alone because everyone else is out having fun and i'm stuck inside because i'm grounded or they're sleeping and it's only 1030pm.

i spend too much time in my backyard. i sneak out to get a couple of cigarettes so i can avoid puking and being sick and lay in the grass wearing absolutely nothing hoping either one of you would come up and put your dick inside me so i can feel all that pain that either of you put me through so i can at least feel something and i don't deserve anything good. i play asshole by myself and lay on my back and spit straight up in the air because that's what i deserve, a face full on unwiped spit and laying where all the dog shit from two dogs used to be and to be an asshole because that's all i can amount to with myself.

the only good thing that really is to all that is sometimes fireflies come up and light up above me and sometimes land on me, the peace and quiet with the quiet breeze of the wind and the other bugs cricking, and when the sky is lit up a smokey gray and you can see the little and big dipper, and when it's lightly drizzling out. it all feels so good on my body and i hurry up and finish that cigarette and spitting on my face and being naked because i don't deserve to feel that good.

i'm not completely over my past and i still can't leave it there. i don't want to talk about it that much because they're only stupid stories full of pain, guilt, sorrow and heartbreak. it's only a story but it's my story, all fucking mine, and i won't ever let it go and when i tell everyone they'll tell me:
a. "you have to be careful. if that happens to you again call me and i'll come beat that mother fuckers ass."
b. "nothing is ever free."
or
c. "you deserve so much better and you need to be treated right. you're such an amazing girl full of wonder, adventure and bubble."

well really thanks for listening!
you wouldn't do shit even if i called you up and told you it happened again because of my carelessness though i try to protect myself from my mistakes for it all to happen again. some things are free, like lap dances, because it's nothing but cheap love though it has the word cheap in it so i guess it's not free except you don't need to throw dollar bills on it. if you truly looked into me which i don't let most people do you'd see nothing. i'm not amazing, bubbly or wonderful. i'm broke of excitement but you'll never see it because i tell you dumb stories so you can see something but not the full effect of the asshole piece of crusted dog shit with ash and spit all fucking over my white bra.

i'm tired of hearing the same shit from myself and everyone else. i want something new and improved than who i'll become or am but i'm just a tad unsure but almost convinced.